The blog

I sit here for hours thinking about what to say.
I could say what I really want to say but that just wouldn't make sense.
Instead I have to speak in riddles and lies.
If I told you the truth there wouldn't be anything to protect me from failure.
I'm sure you'd love to know and you might even deserve to know but still I can't tell you.
It hurts to not say what needs to be spoken.
I can't think when all of these words are stuck inside my head.
I would love nothing more then to tell you.
But then you'd know who I am.
Damn.. These last two lines don't start with I. I must not be selfish enough.



~Jerod~

A bit of a scuffle

The other day I had been walking around Clarksville visiting a friend. I came across a guy, about sixteen maybe seventeen, trying to take this younger kids bike. We were on a pretty much deserted street so I went up to the two and told the older kid off. He didn't say anything just left. The younger kid thanked me and rode home as fast as his little legs could carry him. I felt good about myself. Like I had done something important, that was until I saw the same guy and another about the same age coming toward. I knew this wouldn't be good but I didn't think things would get carried away. I mean who the hell starts random street brawls these days? I'd tell you if I knew their names.

Before any of them even said anything the new guy lashes out with a punch to my chin. I did not expect this at all. I fall back and the other guy kicks out at me. I don't even remember much about what happened, detail wise anyways but I remember grabbing one of their legs and throwing them backwards. I think he hit his head on the way down because he didn't seem to be getting up by the time I was confronting the other guy. He punched at me, I grabbed his arm as it hit my side and swung at him. I throw him to the ground and laid into him. After a couple minutes I got up. His friend was getting up with a little blood on hhis head. He helped his friend up and they left. I stood there for about ten minutes thinking about what had just happened. Eventually I called for a ride and went home. My cousin had picked me up and he asked me what had happened. I looked in the mirror and saw my nose was bleeding, my gums had ripped, my chin had a cut, and I could already feel the bruise coming in on my side. I told him the first thing that popped into my head. I fell out of a tree.

Later that night when I was laying in bed I realized something. I would do the whole damn thing over if I had to.

Sweet Dreams..

I was told that every teen goes through this phase where they feel like the world is centered around them and that their life sucks and they start seeing things differently. Fine. Why should I be an exception?

A friend told me the other day that I'm not the same person that they remembered when we used to hang out a lot. I looked him straight in the eye and told him that if he thought I changed then he must not have known me very well from the beginning.

If you want an apology for me being who I am then look some where else. I know I can be a total asshole. I can say things and do things that piss you and even me off but thats to damn bad. It's who I am. I would gladly take a beating for a friend which I have proven on several occasions.

I'm sick of being the one who has to feel bad for being the way I am. Do you know how many times I've been willing to sit there and listen to your problems? Do you even care that I may going through the same damn things.

Yes, I have changed. I feel like crap when I wake up in my bed and see that half empty bottle of my life next to me. It sucks and I usually feel like crap for feeling like I do.

~Jerod~

P.S. Next time my friends don't feel like hanging out with me or just feel like getting away. Tell me. Don't make up some cheap ass excuse. Just tell me and I'll give you the same respect.

The End?

So much has happened in this last year of school. I've made a lot of new friends. Some who didn't turn out to be friends at all. I lost some old friends. I got into fights. I felt happy. I felt depressed. I felt like I was in love. I felt ashamed of what I was doing to the people around me. And more then anything else I wanted to change.

All too often I find that the day I'm living is the same as yesterday. I don't know why but I've been getting more bitter toward things. I snap a people a lot more and seem to lose control at times. I feel as if I missed something. I thought this year had been great when I was living it. Now when I look back I feel as if its hollow. I don't even know who I can call a friend any more. Or what a friend is supposed to be. I tried helping people all through the year. I'd see some one I knew having a rough day so I'd crack a joke or say it would be better tomorrow. And maybe it helped them but it never seemed to help me.

I just don't know. And I'm getting to the point where I just don't care to know.