This feeling!

GOD! I haven't felt this good, this happy, this content, this strong since I was in my last relationship. But I know this time this won't make me worse. I ran over three miles today. Got home. Listened to my dad complain about my new habits. I smiled and went to my room. I know a lot of people don't approve of what I'm doing with my life but I don't care any more. My dad calls t head banging for retards. I call it my redemption. This is my time to make something out of myself. Every day I look in the mirror I used to think nothing but negative thoughts. Now its what do I improve today? How do I make this better?

Every day I learn something new. Everyday I make something better. Its not just left jab, right hook anymore. Its left, right, left, side knee, then big elbow. Every morning I wake I jog. Every afternoon I do ground ju-jitsu or stand up striking. Every night I do weight lifting. I of course have to work around my schedule at work but all this goes out the window when school starts. I'm gonna do very intense training for these two weeks. I'm scheduled to fight at a tournament on the 10th. 25 to 40 fighters in one night. I'll have at least three fights in that one night. But this is my last underground fight. I'm done after that until I can go semi-pro. I'm only doing this last one because I need the money. I can pay off a big piece of my debt and get on with my life. I didn't really mean for my entire school to know that I do these underground fights. But its high school. Hard to keep secrets.

Well thats my rant for the day! I can only say live life! Light it up and let the fire roar! Let it live! Dont hesitate! LIVE! RIOT! LOVE! REVOLT! BE UNDEAD!
lol

Jerod ;p

It's not hiding if I'm truly happy.

HELLO EVERY ONE WHO DOESN'T READ MY BLOG!


Well, I thought I'd check in. Give yah the info. So here it is. I'm relatively good where I'm at. I'm not doing terrible in school, sure theres room for improvement but no big deal. My home life is relatively the same I'm just dealing with it a little better. As for my social life.. yah. I hardly ever go out any more. My friends are all turning against each other and themselves. I should help but how can I do that when they won't listen and only try to self destruct. I do feel some what responsible since this all started happening alittle after my last breakdown, which was a long while ago. Speaking of which I'm doing great mentally, emotionally, and even psychically. I've found a way for myself to focus. Fighting. Its hard to understand. Even for me. I just feel totally relaxed when I'm pushing myself. Sure I originally did it cause I was angry or something like that but now its different. I don't think I'm gonna be doing these underground fights for much longer. Theirs a tournament coming up that will give me enough money to pay back my dad for all the money I owe him. I just have to weight a year before I can go semi-pro. Right now I'm not sure about my future, college, moving out, being an adult. I don't know whats gonna happen and yes that stuff scares the crap out of me but I don't care. Right now all I'm worried about is the now. Could things be better? Yes. But I'm content. And that makes me happy. And last time I checked being happy is a good thing. Even if its an ignorant happy.


What's this? What's this?
There's color everywhere
What's this?
There's white things in the air
What's this?
I can't believe my eyes
I must be dreaming
Wake up, jack, this isn't fair
What's this?

What's this? What's this?
There's something very wrong
What's this?
There are people singing songs

What's this?
The streets are lined with
Little creatures laughing
Everybody seems so happy
Have I possibly gone daffy?
What is this?
What's this?

There are children throwing snowballs here
instead of throwing heads
They're busy building toys
And absolutely no one's dead

There's frost on every window
Oh, I can't believe my eyes
And in my bones I feel the warmth
That's coming from inside

Oh, look
What's this?
They're hanging mistletoe, they kiss
Why that looks so unique, inspired
They're gathering around to hear a story
Roasting chestnuts on a fire
What's this?
What's this?

In here they've got a little tree, how queer
And who would ever think
And why?

They're covering it with tiny little things
They've got electric lights on strings
And there's a smile on everyone
So, now, correct me if I'm wrong
This looks like fun
This looks like fun
Oh, could it be I got my wish?
What's this?

Oh my, what now?
The children are asleep
But look, there's nothing underneath
No ghouls, no witches here to scream and scare them
Or ensnare them, only little cozy things
Secure inside their dreamland
What's this?

The monsters are all missing
And the nightmares can't be found
And in their place there seems to be
Good feeling all around

Instead of screams, I swear
I can hear music in the air
The smell of cakes and pies
Is absolutely everywhere

The sights, the sounds
They're everywhere and all around
I've never felt so good before
This empty place inside of me is filling up
I simply cannot get enough

I want it, oh, I want it
Oh, I want it for my own
I've got to know
I've got to know
What is this place that I have found?
What is this?
Christmas Town, hmm...
~!JEROD!~

YES I'M INSANE!!

The few times I've ever had something to look forward to have always been a lie or just a silly hope. I keep going day by day acting the same. Like it's alright. I'm sick of it. Its like some damn infection spreading from one diseased filled limb to another. I'm done with this life. Theres been a whole shit ton going on with me and I'm ready to just blow it all away. I'm not gonna hope and pray anymore. I'm going to go out there and take what ever the hell I damn please. I'm not leaving my life in the hands of my father, the people around me, fate, or even god himself. Does it sound like I'm going insane? It should because thats the way I want it. I don't want to understand anymre. I'm going to make myself better by breaking down. Sounds stupid doesn't it? I've heard the rumors and the whispers. People taking about me. Like their worried about me. If their so worried then come to me. Don't just gossip about. And as for the people who I've heard taking trash about me? I've got the same recommendation to you. Come to me. Face to face.

I love it! Every second of it! Is it worth the money? No. Is it worth the respect? No.. Maybe a little.. Is it worth the people coming up to me and asking if they can fight? Only after their knocked out. I'll tell you whats its worth. THose few moments where there is only me and my enemy. It doesn't matter whether I lose or win. All that matters is that feeling of invincibility. Of immortality. I don't matter any where else. School? Yeah right. My family? When was the last time one of us said 'I love you' and meant it? But when I'm in the ring and the crowed yells out for Jerod the Two Ton Hitter.. I can't even explain it. When I throw that punch I am alive. I am somebody..

Sounds sick and twisted right? It is. But god help me I love it. I guess the only reason I'm writing this is to come to terms with myself. Well, heres to me.

Cheers!
X*XJerodX*X

Dear Purple Toes,

My purple foot has been in the air for 6 hours. I've gone through 357 songs. I've been curling weights for the past 3 hours. All I've had time to do is think about things.
I've thought hard and long. I've mad my decision. I won't seek any more forgiveness. From now on out I'm a fighter. I know I'll lose a lot of chances but I can't keep doing this. I can't keep waiting. I can't keep caring. I won't apologize. I need this. I need to go on. This is what I am..

I try to make it through my life
In my way
There is you
I try to make it through these lies
That’s all I do

Just don't deny it
Just don't deny it
And deal with it
Yeah deal with it

If you were dead or still alive,
I don't care,
I don't care,
And all the things you left behind,
I don't care,
I don't care

I try to make you see my side
Always trying to stay in line
But you’re all I see right through
That’s all they do
Im getting tired of this shit
I got no room when inside this
But if you wanted me just deal with it

So...

If you were dead or still alive,
I don't care,
I don't care,
And all the things you left behind,
I don't care,
I don't care



I can't say I'll forget this but I'll try not to miss it.
Good night and good bye.

Sincerely,
Jerod L. Botts

Empty Walls

I am at the point where I couldn't even guess what tomorrow is going to be like. So many things are changing and I don't know if I can keep up. At this point there is more then one option. I'm tired of living a double life. I'm trying to be too many things at once. But if I go one way I lose hope for what could have been. Do I go left or do I go right. What if I could make something out of myself? What if it cost me that last shred of decency I have. I wish I could just be me. I wish I knew who I was.
I want to tell you I'm sorry.
I want to tell you I don't regret who I am.
I want to tell you I'm not who you think I am.
I want to tell you that I just need a chance.
I want to believe what I'm doing is right.
I want to know if this is what I am.
I want to know if theres a chance.
I want to know if I have to move on.

I'm just selfish I guess..
What if a choice I made changed everything?
Would it matter?

Jerod.

Life

Like a party?

Count me in.

Indifference?

My weekend was alright. I enjoyed seeing and talking to some friends at the game and dance that I hadn't for awhile. Or at least it felt like I hadn't talked to them for a while. I could have gone with out doing a few things this weekend but over all it went alright.

I'm already tired of school. I do enjoy seeing my friends and sometimes putting my mind to a task at school but then I run into people I have problems with or just plain dislike. Plus I'm starting to fall behind in school again. Most of my week days are occupied by work. So I don't have much time for homework. And I can't afford to quit work.

Things around my house are finally starting to stabilize my dad is being more easy going. My brother and I are on better terms then we have been in a long time. I still am thinking about moving out the summer between my junior and senior year. I'll probably take in another job or two during this summer and save up. At this point I don't really know. But it doesn't bother me that much. Sure I wish things were easier and then I could concentrate some other parts of my life but it could be a lot worse. Oh well.

Till next time.

~Jerod~

Shine through

The path to enlightenment can only be sought through a life of strife. Thus we must face each trial beset before us.

~Jerod~

Let it rain

The rain is pouring.
I'm soaking wet.
Let it rain.

These trials that I pass make me invincible.

FWA-BAM!

So yah. I've been doing awesome. I went for a walk the other day, one of the few I had off work, and I ended up stopping at this hill outside of town. I climbed to the top and laid down. I thought how I'm totally fine with my life. Sure I get mad some times but who cares. I'll get threw it one way or another. I'm fine with how things are, the people in my life, and even those who aren't.

Yep.


That is all.

~WHAT~

What ever

I got the most interesting phone call today. At first I was shocked. Then sad. Then hopeful. Then I realized who I was talking to. Then I laughed. I told her several ways on how to fall down a flight of stairs. Then I hung up.

I really don't care any more. I'm fine with where I'm at. Sure things could always be better. But does it really matter? Eh.

Oh, random person who is reading if you know the secret to life please share. If not then find some where else to loiter.

Thank you.

The truth?

Now you want to know
You want a name
You want to call me motherfucker
Now you want to know
You want a name
You want to say it doesn't matter
Now that you wanna know
Now you wanna name
Now you wanna place
Now you wanna time
Now you want it all
In a world that i dont want to know
With a message that i never want to send
To be free from all of this
I want you to quicken my end


FINE!!
THE TRUTH

The truth is I love being in a fight.
The truth is I have drank before and I honestly regret it.
The truth is when I get angry I get scared
The truth is I have serious feelings for you.
The truth is I do want to do something about it but I don't want to hurt you.
The truth is I doubt I can stop caring until I face this.
The truth is I love my damn job.
The truth is half the time I smile or laugh it's faked.
The truth is I can't smile just because I feel bad about not being honest.
The truth is I could care less.
The truth is I do care
The truth is.. I'm tired.
I'm tired of being so damned tired all the time. I want to feel alive again.
That felt good. I think I'll go to school smiling tomorrow.

~Jerod Lee Botts~

The truth is my full middle name is Leto. My mom loved the dune series. My dad didn't think Leto suited me.

~Jerod Leto Botts~

The lines that cross the sky..

Here's the day you hoped would never come
Don't feed me violence
just run with me through roads of speeding cars.
The papercuts the cheating lovers
The coffee's never strong enough
i know you think it's more than just bad luck

There there baby
it's just text book stuff
it's in the ABC of growing up
Now now darling
oh don't lose your head
cause none of us were angels
and you know I love you yeah

Sleeping pills know sleeping dogs lie
never far enough away
Glistening in the cold sweat of guilt
I've watched you slowly winding down for years
You can't keep on like this...
now's a bad a time as any

There there baby
it's just text book stuff
it's in the ABC of growing up
Now now darling
oh don't kill yourself
cause none of us were angels
and you know I love you yeah

it's ok by me..

it's ok by me..

it's ok by me..it was a long time ago


it's ok by me..

it's ok by me..

it's ok by me..it was a long time ago

There there baby
it's just text book stuff
it's in the ABC of growing up
Now now darling
oh don't lose your head
cause none of us were angels
and you know I love you yeah

There there baby
it's just text book stuff
it's in the ABC of growing up
Now now darling
oh don't kill yourself
cause none of us were angels
and you know I love you yeah
~Imogen Heap


--
I sleep now.

~Jerod~

Du hast mich

Theres so much to say. So much swept away. So much that keeps me up at nights.
I want to say how much I care.
I want to say how much it makes me mad.
I want to say how much I would try.
I want to say how much I would sweat.
I want to shout how much I can.
I want to know the truth.
I want to not have to hide.
I want to be honest.

I'm all that I can be. Thats all I've got.

Mountain face or valley floor?

So, yeah. I'm super duper bored. I have a car but I can't drive it. I want to hang out with some one but I don't know how to ask. I worked out for four hours straight yesterday so I'm too sore to do it today. Everyone is busy. I still don't have my own computer (should be here soon). I might have to get rid of my dog which I really don't want to do. I have my pay check but I can't spend it. Don't want to go for a walk because I'm sore. Don't have any home work, that I know of. And no one seems to want to talk. Must be because I'm so rude :/

Ughhh... And on top of it all I'm tired of complaining..

~Jerod~

Keine Sonne die mir scheint

Life. A story in itself. Every last one of us has a story to tell. A book containing our past, our feelings, our tragedies, our adventures, and our futures. Some of us are drama, some are classics, and some of u are just plane fiction.
We all want to be read. We all want some one to connect with us. Some one to stay up half the night with. Some one to cry with. Some one to laugh with. Some one to share life with.

I'll tell you my story if you'll share yours.

~Jerod~

Give this life away

I know it could end again in atrocity.
When you see me coming down I will force it away.
Theres no one left to hurt but me.
If I told you the truth would it bring you closer?
I keep trying to keep my intentions disguised,
Now I'm deprived of my conscious and something has got to give.

None of this belongs to me.
I suppose I went and let it go,
and now I'm searching for a reason to hold on.
Will I fall again into dismay?
Some days I think I feel myself fading.

But your always there.
I know where to turn in this time of need.
I look in your eyes and my heart seems to sing.
The eyes are the color of sanity.
My redemption awaited in those arms.



When we're in trouble or feel like everything is for nothing we tend to want to keep to ourselves. We lock ourselves away. Don't let any in. But we all know some we can go to. That person is called a friend. All we need to do is ask. We can set aside our own heart aches to help our friends.

So much

It just seems to be stacking up. One thing afer another. When I find one reason to be happy two things happen to bring me back down. It's not even worht it. Just take my hope away. I ask hat you be merciful and just crush me now. Haven't I suffered enough?! Riht when I start to believe, to actually pray and hope it's crushed. I'm tired of being let down. Maybe I expect to much or maybe I deserve what happens. I don't have any where left o turn. I'm gone..

Devastation, obliteration, incineration, desperation, theres no explaining my situation, why does this keep happening to me? I'll never be ok. I guess thats just part of life.

Mirror.. Mirror...

A lot of things can take you by surprise. When you realize your not as happy as you thought you were. When something isn't as good as it appeared to be..

I see eyes that have sought sorrow and anguish.
I see a mind that holds a thousand truths but no answers.
I see lips that speak nothing but lies.
I see a face that has been bloodied.
I see a heart that is scared but cares so much.
I see hands that shake because they don't know what steady is.
I see a soul holding on by a thread.
I hate what I see.
I walk by the mirror but I still feel it's reflection following.
Always watching..


I feel like being alone today. Lock the doors and draw the curtains.

To the wall!

I had a lot of free time today. My day off. Of course most of my friends have to work today.. So, now I'm bored. I was thinking about going to the movies but going to the movies alone is lame.. Ughh.....

I was going to try and pick up on my acoustic guitar today but I haven't played for six years.. I barely remember the notes.. I'm going to ask kyle to give me some lessons which he will most likely say no.. I wrote some song lyrics but I can't sing worth two spits. My voice my not be musical but I'll be damned if my heart doesn't sing. I think a long walk is in order.. But I'm still a little sore. Oh well, I'll find some cause to pass the time.

~Jerod~

Nothing is whats important..

Wow, two blogs with only a couple hours in between. These twos hours have been.. I don't know. The curtain is gone. My eyes are open. It's time for a rant.

I can't believe how good I feel right now. I've just been through one hell of a physical traumatizing experience and all I can do is think about how nice the weather had been today. I had set out to set things right but I had ran into a bump. I realized then that it was just a trial. Just a test to show my faith on my decision. I took my beating. But I took feeling I was doing the right thing. The best thing about not knowing something is knowing that what ever you feel is whats best.

Now I'm sitting here smiling. Typing this blog. I smiled at the bruises. I looked at my hand. I saw every crack and line and I knew I would relieve every last one of them even if I knew the negative out come. I feel like if I really wanted to I could step out side and just fly where ever my heart so desired to take me. My story is just beginning and I'm looking for characters to join. If you need a friend, helpful hand, comforting voice, or just some one to talk to, you know how to get a hold of me.

~Jerod Leto Botts~


P.S. Yes, that is my actual middle name O.o

Sometimes we just need to look..

My life has been full of what ifs and excuses. I've had it bad but I'm tired of using that as an excuse. Many is the day I've taken for granted. I'm done with it. It's so depressing being so down all the time. I have a hundred and one reasons to smile. It's about time to use them. I've found my faith in myself. Every person must better them self so he or she can help other when the need arise. And hell, when you're as purty as I am why not smile? ;D

~Jerod Botts~

"We all die. How do we serve others in the very few moment that we have?"
- Mr. Kent Prescott

To find that pot of gold..

I look back at what I sad the other day and I can't help but cringe. Yah. I got into a really bad fight with my dad and I thought about doing some really stupid stuff but I ended up being fine. I went out with the guys we cruised around town acting really immature but it was exactly what I needed. A good time.

You want to see insanity?

Why do you bother. You cut me in two but you don't stop there. You look at me with disappointment. Like I'm a failure with no chance at redemption. It wasn't always like this. You used to hug me. You used to call me pal. You used to care. You used to ask me how my day was. You asked me how I was doing. Now it's are your grades better yet? Have you cleaned your room yet? Stay out of shit that doesn't belong to you! God Damn it. You don't even bother to make up for it any more. I'm just an obstacle in the way of you living your life. Would it help if I said I was sorry? Would it even fucking matter to you? Would it help if you hit me? Just lashed out and made me bleed? If so then by all means fucking hit me. Hit me until you can't even fucking breathe..
I'm fucking done. Fuck this.

~Fucking insanity~

Brick wall

I've been tired these past few days. And not just physically. A lot of things have been changing in my life. Or more so I have been changing. Just the other day I thought I knew what to do and life would be perfect.. Now I feel like I'm in the dark again. Maybe it's for the best. I guess this is just who I am. I can't control whats happening around me and I feel as if I'm being gipped by who ever is. So I'm just going to focus on that single goal right now. And that goal is simple. Keep busy. Don't think about life or what I want. I have three days till I leave for vacation. I'm going to do nothing for those three days. I'll probably regret this. I feel as if I'm betraying myself by passing up this chance but I don't know any more. I fucked up so badly the first time. I lost control of myself and others paid for what I did.
What ever. I'll get over it. I spose this is just how it's suppose to be.

~~

Turn the corner

I remember when I was vacationing in Louisiana one year, where I will be returning on monday for seven days, back to the story.. I was about seven years old. I was at my grandpas with just my aunt there. I had wanted to go out to get my game boy from the car but it looked like it was about to start raining and I didn't want to get wet. My aunt took me to the door and she knelt down next to me and said, "Jerod, your mother once said to me, 'You only get one chance at something. Sure a second opportunity may come up but it won't ever be the same as that one chance that you skipped. You'll never know what you missed.'

She smiled at me and opened the door. It was pooring rain out. I ran to the car laughing the whole time. Grabbed my bag and walked back to the house enjoying the rain. When I got back I sat down and just looked out the window at the puddles forming on the ground. Thats one of the only memories I remember from that long ago. And you know what? It looks like rain and I can't stop smiling. If there was a chance in a million I'd take it.

~=)~

When you see those eyes...

This morning I looked in the mirror.
I saw everything that I am.
I saw everything I used to be.
I saw everything I wanted.
I saw everything I feared.
But most of all I saw everything I didn't know.

I don't know whats in store for me. What my future hold. Where I'll end up.
But I 'm willing to follow that path. I can only hope it's whats right.
What's meant to be.


~Jerod~

Sick

I've put my body through hell the past two days. I wanted a faster way to get into shape so I thought about how whenever I have an energy drink I don't really want to eat. So monday I bought a four pack of Full throttle. I drank two right away and ended up in the basement going through my usual routines. But then they didn't seem to be doing anything for me. I tarted to push myself harder and harder. I had another full throttle. Then another. I had originally started at 4pm, it was midnight by the time I looked at my phone. I had to work at 9 in the morning tuesday so I thought some sleep was in order. It didn't come. I had a bunch of thoughts running through my head so I took out a sheet of paper and wrote them down. 12:45 I still couldn't sleep so I ended cleaning half my room. At 1:30 I was back in the basement going through the routines. I looked at the clock and saw the clock reading 6 in the morning. I had to be at work in three hours. I finally went up stairs and got two hours of sleep. This whole time I had been dealing with some personal emotions as well.
I had a terrible time at work. I was working one of the cash registers and kept making stupid mistakes and I had to call the assistant manager over at least twelve times. At the end of the day my register was counted out and I came up eight dollars short. Before I left I bought a big full throttle. I got home at 4:30 and went straight to the basement. I had started to realize what I was doing and I needed to stop. I tried txting and calling some friends but they either were working or weren't paying any attention to their phones. At 6:00 I ran to caseys and bought two vaults. I thought the feeling I had was good. This internal drive to never stop pushing myself. It helped me start to stop thinking about other things that made me really sad. But then other stuff started to happen I started to lose focus. I started to think stuff and then actually see it happening. Like I saw a punch of skater kids for no apparent reason and then they came at me and I just completely beat the piss out of them. 8:00, I was starting to get actually scared. I had been dry heaving and my legs would just start to randomly twitch. I felt like vomiting but there wasn't anything in my stomach. Over the past two days I had only at a sandwich and aslice of pizza. I realized my body was crashing. I ompletely spaced off for ten minutes and when I 'woke up' I had been crying. At this point I really needed some one to talk to. I invited alex and ty over to hang out. I didn't tell them about what had been going on but tiwht them there I felt better. That night I crashed. I completely passed out early and got up at 1 in the afternoon today.
Now my body is very sour. I can barely walk with out hurting. I have no plans to do anything like that again. I do intend to keep going through my normal routines. But thats it. I don't need to push myself because the fact of the matter is I'm in no hurry. I probably will be really sore today at work so I should call in and get a replacement but that wouldn't solve anything. ANd besides I don't want to just sit here all day alone to my own thoughts. I feel like being around people. I feel like a lot of things right now, but I'm going to take it one step at a time.

Today isn't yesterday

I woke up smiling. I knew what today was.
I got up early, broke into kyles room to use his computer and smiled for an hour.
Said my goodbye. Went down stairs and worked for two hours. Body sore but feels good.
Showered. Washed away the conspiring smells.
Broke back into kyles room. Was sad.
Went to my grandmas to comfort my grieving cousin.
Came home. Got yelled at by Kyle.
Waited till he left. Broke back in. Was sad.
Now I'm writing this blog. Hello readers.
Waiting to smile.. Please let me smile..
Smiled for a minute. It didn't last.
Probably no smiling left. Oh well. Theres always tomorrow. =D

~jerod~

An explanation

People have been asking for an explanation for a few parts of my life that are a little difficult to explain. The truth is if you ever want to know just ask me in person and you can have the full explanation. But the general answer to all of the questions is that I live for the next adrenaline rush. I crave that feeling where my blood starts to pump and I can focus on that single goal. Thats why I push myself. Thats why I play hard. Thats why I do an hours worth of hard labor in thirty minutes. Thats why I love the feeling of my curled fist connecting to something solid. Most people won't understand what I'm talking about. I know it's a stupid idea but I also know that I would rather do something stupid now then get bored later and end up with a cigarette or drugs in my mouth. It gives me the strength to face the night.

But thats not all there is to it. I also love to just sit there and talk to a friend. Or to write a letter that won't ever be sent out of my own awkwardness. I can focus on that one moment where I can smile and actually feel good. So when you here that rumor that I'm a phsyco S.O.B. just know that I'm having a good time. And if you're worried call me. And we'll laugh about this some other time.


~Jerod~

That time where it all stands still

I sit here right now thinking over what has happened this summer. So many new situations and feelings. I could it here for hours and write about it. But then I think why? Some were bad, some were good, and some were just outrageous. Why do I need to write about it when I've lived it? I love to write. It's probably one of my favorite things to do. But I love to live more. I love to tell my dad I'm going over to a friends house for the night and stay up the whole time just walking around past dark. I love meeting new people and doing something crazy as shit. I love it when something goes wrong because I know its not the end of the world.

This has been with out a doubt one of my favorite summers. I haven't gone three days with out seeing a friend or doing something stupid and crazy. Although I dread the fact I haven't seen some of my friends since school let out. Hopefully that will change soon. I really don't think I'll be blogging anytime soon. I don't even have a working comp but that doesn't seem to bother me most of the time. If you ever want to get in contact with me just call my cell or come out and live.

This summer has been o good to me. I've got a job and a decent pay check. I've been keeping healthy for myself and not some one else. I can actually grow some damn decent facial hair! I've got friends who I can party with. I've got friends I can chill with. I got friends I can get in a fight with. And I've got friends who I can talk to and they'll actually listen. Hell, I've even got a friend who hit me with his car. The only thing that bothers me now is realizing summer is nearing completion.
But then I just think of it as another challenge. Something I can commit to. I plan for this to be the year. Where I can actually feel proud to show my dad my report card. Where I can actually hand in my homework on time. Where I know who my friends are. Who I can trust. I've slacked off and hidden for more then half my life. This is a corner stone I am more then happy to pass and flick the birdie to as I go.

This is as good as it gets and let me tell you I am enjoying every damn second of it. If you're ever feeling down or bored. Give me a call.

~;D~

Just for yyou

You won't answer my calls.
You won't answer my texts.
I'm in a living hell.

This is probably my last chance. I know you still care enough to look here. Just read what I have to say. You ment me in the most troubled part of my life. I dint even expect to meet any one at that writers conference. You were beautiful that day. We talked for hours.
You guessed my problem when most people didnt even know I had one. You helped me through it when I couldnt help myself. You called me every night to make sure I didnt revrt to old habbits. I still don't regret asking you out. We were together for six months. And I don';t regret a second of it. When you told me you were moving away from CLarksville I was sick. It hurt even more when you told me you didn't want to go out any more. I was half way through high school and you called it off. It was hard because I still had feelings for you. Really strong feelings. THe one thing that never left my mind was thst night we spent just looking at the stars. It sounds cheesy but its how I feel. I know that we wanted to kkeep it secrtet but that doesnt reaally matter any more. I feel like a complete asshole for what I said on sunday an monday. I know whay you were upset I was just mad that I had made you upset. I hung up on you when I should have talked t you. Now your doing the same to me. I deserve it. It's been five days since youve even spoken to me. I know there isn't any chance we can get back together. I aaccept that now. All I want is to talk. I still want to be friends. Megan, plesase call me. If you don't I won't have any choice but to skip work and walk to clarksville and stand outside of hyour house until you do. Please.

The blog

I sit here for hours thinking about what to say.
I could say what I really want to say but that just wouldn't make sense.
Instead I have to speak in riddles and lies.
If I told you the truth there wouldn't be anything to protect me from failure.
I'm sure you'd love to know and you might even deserve to know but still I can't tell you.
It hurts to not say what needs to be spoken.
I can't think when all of these words are stuck inside my head.
I would love nothing more then to tell you.
But then you'd know who I am.
Damn.. These last two lines don't start with I. I must not be selfish enough.



~Jerod~

A bit of a scuffle

The other day I had been walking around Clarksville visiting a friend. I came across a guy, about sixteen maybe seventeen, trying to take this younger kids bike. We were on a pretty much deserted street so I went up to the two and told the older kid off. He didn't say anything just left. The younger kid thanked me and rode home as fast as his little legs could carry him. I felt good about myself. Like I had done something important, that was until I saw the same guy and another about the same age coming toward. I knew this wouldn't be good but I didn't think things would get carried away. I mean who the hell starts random street brawls these days? I'd tell you if I knew their names.

Before any of them even said anything the new guy lashes out with a punch to my chin. I did not expect this at all. I fall back and the other guy kicks out at me. I don't even remember much about what happened, detail wise anyways but I remember grabbing one of their legs and throwing them backwards. I think he hit his head on the way down because he didn't seem to be getting up by the time I was confronting the other guy. He punched at me, I grabbed his arm as it hit my side and swung at him. I throw him to the ground and laid into him. After a couple minutes I got up. His friend was getting up with a little blood on hhis head. He helped his friend up and they left. I stood there for about ten minutes thinking about what had just happened. Eventually I called for a ride and went home. My cousin had picked me up and he asked me what had happened. I looked in the mirror and saw my nose was bleeding, my gums had ripped, my chin had a cut, and I could already feel the bruise coming in on my side. I told him the first thing that popped into my head. I fell out of a tree.

Later that night when I was laying in bed I realized something. I would do the whole damn thing over if I had to.

Sweet Dreams..

I was told that every teen goes through this phase where they feel like the world is centered around them and that their life sucks and they start seeing things differently. Fine. Why should I be an exception?

A friend told me the other day that I'm not the same person that they remembered when we used to hang out a lot. I looked him straight in the eye and told him that if he thought I changed then he must not have known me very well from the beginning.

If you want an apology for me being who I am then look some where else. I know I can be a total asshole. I can say things and do things that piss you and even me off but thats to damn bad. It's who I am. I would gladly take a beating for a friend which I have proven on several occasions.

I'm sick of being the one who has to feel bad for being the way I am. Do you know how many times I've been willing to sit there and listen to your problems? Do you even care that I may going through the same damn things.

Yes, I have changed. I feel like crap when I wake up in my bed and see that half empty bottle of my life next to me. It sucks and I usually feel like crap for feeling like I do.

~Jerod~

P.S. Next time my friends don't feel like hanging out with me or just feel like getting away. Tell me. Don't make up some cheap ass excuse. Just tell me and I'll give you the same respect.

The End?

So much has happened in this last year of school. I've made a lot of new friends. Some who didn't turn out to be friends at all. I lost some old friends. I got into fights. I felt happy. I felt depressed. I felt like I was in love. I felt ashamed of what I was doing to the people around me. And more then anything else I wanted to change.

All too often I find that the day I'm living is the same as yesterday. I don't know why but I've been getting more bitter toward things. I snap a people a lot more and seem to lose control at times. I feel as if I missed something. I thought this year had been great when I was living it. Now when I look back I feel as if its hollow. I don't even know who I can call a friend any more. Or what a friend is supposed to be. I tried helping people all through the year. I'd see some one I knew having a rough day so I'd crack a joke or say it would be better tomorrow. And maybe it helped them but it never seemed to help me.

I just don't know. And I'm getting to the point where I just don't care to know.

Heads about to explode.

Today I smiled. Not just a lame excuse smile but a smile I felt was actually real. I had a blast at the Masquers banquet and had even more fun playing frisbee in the park after. I watched my boat go over the damn and even jumped into the river after the frisbee. I felt happy even after I lost my wallet. I saw friends that I really cared about and best of all I felt as if they were having a good time as well. Lately it seems as if people around me are only acting like they get along so they can just go on with the day. It felt good to be apart with these people.

The only down to my day was I had to watch a friend go through something I didn't understand. The person seemed really broken up about something and I really wanted to take hold of them and tell them it was going to be fine. That no matter what happens they still had me and a bunch of other people willing to help. The problem is I couldn't. I never had some one intervene in my life. I always faced everything alone. I got really good at telling myself what to do in my head but the words seem to get lost between there and my mouth. It hurt really bad to just sit there and not be able to do anything. I don't even know if I did the right thing.. I do believe the person is doing a lot better. I mean we all have are moments of weakness. Another reason why I was scared. I've felt like digging a hole and never coming out more then once.


~Jerod~
~I Promise to fake a smile just to see you smile.~

Just for you

I can't smile unless the world sings.
And the world won't sing unless I'm smiling.
So, I'll smile just for the world to sing. No matter how bad it is, I swear I'll smile for it.

I'm done with the whole depressive scene. I wasted too many years with it. Its time to smile and let them know I'm smiling. And I know that some times you might not feel like singing. But I'll still smile for you. Just tell me and my smile will shine through.

~jerod~

A Fixation of the Mind

A tiny little speck of pain multiplied by twenty thousand.

Did you ever intend me to fall so hard? I cant even think straight. My head feals like some one took a basball bat toit. My eyes clloud. At times I cont even see straight. Some times im willing to take any way out.
Take half a bottle of pain pills.
Punch a wall till my knuckles split and bleed.
Break into the old mans liqur cabinet.
Break some thing that I value.
Do some thing I know I will and have regretted.
Will tonight be like those others. Have I fiald yet again? Did you ever inted me to hurt so bad? I always see thees peple cheering each other up. Bt not me, im not allowed. Some tims I wish it were a simpler life but no. Its gota be a damned hard knok life after all.

Thoughts from a friend who is learning to care

I've been through things that turned my heart black. All I felt was hate, fear, and regret. I did things that I'll never forget. But I also have to wonder, what would I be like now if I hadn't gone through those things? Would I even be me?

When it comes down to it we're all worried that what we're doing is the wrong thing. We feel as if we should just go on. Try to keep things from falling apart. But that doesn't always work.

When my life started to turn to pieces I felt as if I had to hold onto what ever I could. I didn't realize the best thing for me was to let go.

Some times It's hard. Others may think you're just quiting or giving in. They might think one thing is best for you and you might even start to think that way to. But the only sound advise we can ever get is from our heart. No one knows you like you know yourself. Just go with what you feel.

But now I'm preaching. And I don't even know if this advice will work. It helped me and all I can do is guide. Your friends will always be there to help you up but you have to walk for yourself.

I'm still learning to walk. I've got along ways to go before I will be ready but I know I'm in a better place then I've ever been before. I have more friends that would help me now then ever before.

In the end we just have to think of who we actually are. Don't worry about where your path may end, because I promise no matter how far you fall you'll have friends waiting for you.



~~~~~~~~
When your stuck along the side of the road with a flat, just give me a jingle.

~Jerod~

Is it so criminal?

I sat here for many an hour
Thinking of something witty and clever to say
The thoughts put my mood in such a sour
I stopped looked at what I had already done that day
And deleted it all.

Because the fact of the matter is I know it seems really pretty to fancy my words up but in the end they hold all the same meaning.

So here it is, what I had promised to say...
But now I can't. My words are too plain!
They can be read and their meaning understood.
My words are naked with no rhythm or rhyme

OH NOES!!

~~~~~~~
I am a comic by nature
I am a poet by heart
But I am wicked by soul.

Today is a wonderful day

I did a few crazy things this weekend. I did a few things that ended up hurting really bad. I've done these kinds of things in the past. Some one once said that I did it all for attention but I've always been doing things like that. Jumping off tall buildings, riding my bike into a wall, punching myself in the face, having a mini rodeo on the merry-go-round, and several other things lacking intelligent thought.

So as I was saying, I did something that would probably be a seven on the stupid scale. I couldn't exactly breathe that well after. A little while later I was sitting outside the 4H building and a friend came up to me and asked a question I hadn't thought of before. Here's the little conversation that ensued.

Other person- Jerod, if you're so intelligent, good at writing, and super hot (Ok, maybe they hadn't said the hot part(but I know they were thinking it)) why do you do such stupid things?

My answer was simple enough. It was what I really felt. If I second guessed about what I was doing I would never do the things I do. But my philosophy on the matter is this, I wouldn't have nearly as much fun as I do if I just stayed safe at home. When it comes down to it life is best when its lived to its fullest potential.

The apologies end

I just want to say I'm sorry.
I'm sorry for every thing I've done.
I'm sorry when my vision blurs and my voice slurs.

But this is no reprisal for my past sins.
I may have wronged you in some way
But I will not beg and weep.
I'll say it once and thats all you'll get.

I'm sorry for forgetting.
I'm sorry for pretending.
I'm sorry for not asking soon enough.
I'm sorry for the way I look and act.
I'm sorry I have these feelings.
But most of all I'm sorry for how ever I've hurt you.

Thats it, I'm done.
No more apologies.
I won't apologies for who I am.
The horror show must go on.

~Jerod~

Peel it off

It starts as a scratch. Something I didn't really notice at first. But then it grows. It starts to pester and spread. I itch, hoping it will leave me.
No good. Its moving across me now. I've done everything I could to stop it. I know I can't hide from it but I keep lying to myself. The scratch starts to burn and all I can see is that infection. I start to panic, I rip at flesh to remove it. It doesn't work. I know I can't hide from it but I'm scared what will happen if I accept it. But I realize I can't remove my heart, for I have yet to reach that level of emoness.

Why do we smile?

A couple of days ago I was sitting home.. Alone.. Bored out of my mind.. I felt lousy because I had nothing to do and no one to do nothing with.. And worst of all it was raining.

And instead of letting it get to me I got I put on my shows and ran outside with no regard to the rain. I ran to the rail road track near my house and followed them for about an hour until I found the perfect tree. I climbed up and sat. I don't know why but that was the most fun I've had in a long time.

Does this blog have meaning? Yes. Is it something terribly serious? No.

Life is best when it's lived.

~Jerod~

What I've always been.

Now I come to the conclusion of my tale of sorrow. I'm grateful for this chance to lift the burden of these feelings off my shoulders. I'm grateful for you taking those five minutes to read and care. But most of all I'm grateful to those who gave me a chance, those who promised to help. And I swear if they ever need it I will be there.

These next segments are from several days over a week. I wrote these some time during second quarter of eighth grade.

Part 4

I'm still in a state of despair. I am so clueless as to what to do. It almost seems that no one even cares to what my problems are. But why should they? Its my burden to suffer through alone. I just wish some one would try to understand. I can't keep going on. I'm running out of excuses. What am I supposed to do when it seems the entire world is against me.

Three days later
I think I sprained my ankle today. I was coming back from football practice when I tripped and hurt my ankle. I've broken the ankle twice before so its probably sore from that. I have a doctors appointment tomorrow. At most I guess its some time off school.

The day after
Is this some kind of sick dream? could I have been imagining everything thats happened? It just seems so unfair. My doctor tells me that my ankle is nearly done. When I was little I had been playing on a porch swing when a part of it had lifted off the ground and crashed into my ankle. It shattered one of the tiny bones there. I broke it a few years later but since it hasn't given me any trouble. Now my doctors say that my ankle is like a sixty year olds. Its ready to give in. I could have surgery but it could turn out worse. I've dropped football and I've got to walk with a cain for the next month. After that the doctor will tell me if I'll be able to run again.. This doesn't really surprise me.. I'm ready to give up. This was it. I'm done. I can't take any more.

About 4 in the morning.
I can't believe I had ever been so stupid. I had a dream. An honest to god dream. I don't remember any specifics only that I saw a familiar face smiling. And just like that it clicked. Just because all of this shit has happened to me doesn't mean I should give up with out a fight. I owe that much to my mother. I owe that much to myself. I'm confident things are going to change.


Well, there you have it. That was my life at the junior high. I had plenty of reasons to quit. I mean life literally took a shit on me. I took blow after blow and I even thought of things that chill me today. I gave up on myself. I did everything I could to try and get away when i should have just took a step forward and embraced it. I still have nightmares but I know thats all they are. I have so much to look forward to now. I'm out with friends every weekend. I've made a bunch new friends. I've felt things I never expected to feel. I tasted life and now I want as much as I can get. Just as a recap they never did catch my mothers killer. Theres not much I can do about that. But I know some day I will find a way to come to terms on that. I still haven't worked up enough courage to sit down and talk to my dad about huntingtons disease but I know its nearly that time. And I know I can go on after knowing if I have it or not. And as for my ankle, well I went into the doctor a month ago and he said its improved. I've been doing some work with it. My life is probably at its peak. I'm in the best shape ive been in for a long time. I work nearly everyday. The way I see it I got way to much going for me to lose it all. I just can't wait to see whats around the corner.

Thanks for the help.

~Jerod~

What am I?

I've spun a tale of sorrow and stress so forth. And unfortunately the clouds thicken further yet. At this point of my aged journal I was distraught. Forgive the rushed writings.

Part 3

How could some one be so cruel? Why am I pestered so? Have I not had enough! I guess not.. Today I learned a most shocking truth. I learned that I am to die a most terrible death... And I learned this in science class. What the hell is wrong with this story? In science today we were learning about hereditary diseases and such. And you know what just happened to come up in our discussion? Huntington's disease.. So I learned in science class that I may have this curse.. There are three possibilities. Either A- The disease wasn't transfered to me from my mother, B- I have it but im just a carrier: meaning it won't hurt me but my kids may get it, or C- I do have it and that means the disease will start to effect me a little before middle age. At first I will just shake a little then I will have uncontrollable quakes, loss of memory, incomprehensible speaking, and an early death. And with my luck it will be C. What the fuck did I do? I know I have done things that I shouldn't have. But why the hell do I deserve this crap? I can't take it any more.. I think I'm going insane. I don't dream any more.. I hardly sleep.. And when I do its only nightmares. I'm missing so much school..


That small bit was the only piece I wrote in my journal for five weeks. Over those five weeks I stopped talking to my family and friends.. I didn't care about anything or any one. I just gave up. I would go on walks for hours with out letting any one know where I was. I just wanted to be alone. I would constantly have fits of anger or rage. I either ended up splitting my knuckles on a wall or getting in a fight and usually getting my ass handed to me. It was a time I wish I could forget. The purpose of my posting these if not to ask for sympathy or to try and get attention. Im trying to accept what I once was.. What I never want to do again.

This is me

Once again these current blogs are pieces taken from an old journal from one or two years ago. This blog is the second part. This is what made me me. This is my trial.

Part 2

That very thought ripped at my chest. I was horribly confused. And I didn't really have any one to turn to. My dad was locked away in his own problems, my brother and I always fought at the time, and my friends would try to be sympathetic but they couldn't understand. They would say things like that sucks or its not fair and not a single word helped. But it wasn't too bad. I could still handle others things. I kept up with my school as much as possible and I was congratulated by teachers on test scores. I was the top in the reading comprehension of the Iowa Test of Basic Skills. And then it was seventh grade. Those thoughts still circling my head. I joined football and found a decent way to channel my anger. But then another curve ball was thrown straight and true. It was a Friday. My first football game was that next week. When I got home my dad was packing. I knew that something was wrong. He told me and kyle to sit down. Then he told us that our aunt had died of Huntington's Disease. She had inherited it from her mother, who had also died from the disease; she was on my moms side of the family. Of course I felt bad but not as bad as I felt after I saw my grandpa. He was crying.. Now this is the man who I always pictured as the invincible cowboy, and I never really saw him as the man who had to watch his wife and two daughters die. I knew we had been cheated. I got to waverly and once again didn't say a word. Just kept going. But I started noticing changes. my grades dropped. I hardly ever wanted to hang out with friends. At this point I saw the glass half full. Half full of the mistakes and the pain and half full of the facade I put up. There wasn't anything else. Just me and the other me. And for a while after this I thought things were going to get better. It only goes down hill from here.

Who I am

The following is a piece taken from my journal. Now please realize that I wrote this when I was going through a lot. Just bare that in mind while reading.

Part 1

I'm a lot of things. I don't even know who the hell I really am. But this is what I do know. It's late. The witching hour. The others slumber peacefully in the neighboring. Their dreams carry them on to great adventures and wonders. To the ends of bottomless oceans, over the highest peaks, and on to mornings first light. I don't wish to see where my own 'dreams' take me. I've seen terrors and committed atrocities beyond imagination. They are the demons of the night. The teeth and claw in the night. The monsters of the realm within my own mind. They sometimes appear in the day, trying to persuade me to do something horrible, but they prefer the shadows.
I think it was in the sixth grade that my 'innocence' was eroded. I started to learn things. I don't mean school, I mean reality. My eyes were opened and I saw the pain there, ready to reap. It started with a phone call. My father seemed upset while on the phone. I heard enough to know it was bad. I remember hearing a name: Larry Woods. I would never forget that name.
I would later learn that he had been the man that had killed my mother when I was one year old. He had escaped from jail.. Now that hit me hard. I didn't know why that the man who killed my mother, that took my very future away from me would be allowed to walk free.. That would be the first of the difficulties I would go through over the next two years.

~Jerod~

What if?

What if I'm wrong?
What if I'm right and I don't don't try?
What then?
What if I try but it doesn't work out?
What am I to do?

I'm really confused. I don't know what to do or say but I can't help what I feel. If this is wrong then why does it feel right? God, why can't everything just be more simple. I need help... But I can't ask. That would be far to simple.

~Jerod~

Masks

I had an poetry assignment in one of my class's the other day. About a hundred poems due and of course I blew it off until the last second. The following six or so blogs were the poems I wrote.

Finger nails
We break and crack
Softend and forgotten.
You chew and chomp.

You once took care of us,
Grooming after us like
We were a prime and prim poodle.
Now you chew and chomp
As if we were a late night snack

Is it the fear that
Makes you snip and snap?
Like we may make it all better
Like some genie in a bottle.

You've changed.
We do not understand as to why.
Your different now,
as if winter has blown out the lighter side.


The Journal
You write in me
Day in and day out.
Non stop so it may seem.

Your fears and anything
That may seem queer.
A lot of thinks are like a
darking storm in here.

But there is light within sight.
You have seemed to change.
No longer are the pages endless
babble of life being so unfair.

Your eyes are opening like a
Wolf pups first few months.
Now let us see what you can see.

Apostrophes

Failed Poems
I must apologise for
The distraught I have forsought.
I nearly forgot why I need you.
You, my failed tales, are the
One reminder I need the most.

Even though you have fallen,
Like the rain drop who leads
To feed the crop,
You still serve me in my sourest of hours.

Failed as the dozens before
And the many more to pursue,
You still give me some bliss
When I most need it after this miss.


Grog
For the sight you have given,
I have forgiven my fear.
I may feel like I am a
Bannanna about to peel
But I wish to finish.

You wonder and astound
As if I were a child.
I smile forgetting the mile to the ground.
You drive me wild
As if a chimp were around.

But all the time the hight
Gives me no such fright.
If only could keep the feeling.
That would be rather appealing.

Limericks

There once was a limerick that packed humor anatomical
Into space that is rather economical
But the better ones I have seen
Are so rarely are clean
And the clean ones so seldom are comical.

I tried to come up with a ditty
That was clever, appropriate, and still witty
But my failure was utter
Guess my mind's in the gutter
Every one I thought of was rather gitty.

There was a bather whose clothing was strewed
By winds that left her quite nude
She saw a man come along
And unless I am in the wrong
You expected this line to be rather lewd.

I want a poem that is quick
Something easy is the trick
So I think that I
Will have my first try
Maybe then I can impress some lovely chick

There once was a young man Sally knew slightly
He persisted in calling nightly
To inquire if she
Would ever be free
To come over and tie him up tightly

I once had an exceedingly fat friend of mine,
When asked at what hour he'd dine,
Replied, "At eleven,
At three, five, and seven,
And eight and a quarter past nine.

There once was a rather smelly homeless man from Nantucket
Who carried aroud a bucket
No one knew as to why
When ever they asked he gave the same reply
If I am ever in the need to go then I have some where to put it.

On the back of the barmaid in Sale
Were tatooed the prices of ale
And on her behind,
For the sake of the blind,
Was the same information in braille.

I have seen many a sight
That would give any one a fright
And to think what I've done
With the crack of a gun
Makes me glad that its nearly night.

Tanka

Evening cemetery
Only the clouds linger
Graves gone silent
Decayed roses scattered
Darkness falls and all are gone.

Carefully I tread
Trying so hard to be brave
I conceal my fear
Dark clouds hide me from their eyes
As my own eyes flood with tears.


I have heard the call
Of hopeful bliss in the wind
I move on through pain
Hopeing to find salvation
In her arms that shine with truth.

Snow dissapearing
Into cracks of endless time
There it waits until
It is drawn back to the sky
Just to be pushed down again.

Part of me will not
Follow what is told to be
My eyes open wide
I know what must be done now
I cut free from their pitiless stares.

I know what I've done
You expect all my sorrow
But the lies are done
You expect my sympathy
You'll soon see what I can do.

Fears of darkest night
Domain high above us all
Weeping and sorrow
Dark side of the moon on us
Just waiting for dawns first light.

Petals blown away
A naked rose in the dark
Thorns ablaze with hate
Yet my eyes still see clearly
The beauty of its petals.

Cinquain

Whispers
Hidding from sight.
A truth concealed from light.
Never here nor there, yet all over.
Hidden.

A smile
A flicker of joy.
A forgotten comfort.
Waiting to turn tears to roses.
Happy

Those nights
Everlasting
Light is just out of sight.
Push harder for hope is still there.
Darkness.

Minutes
Gone by without
Attention from any.
Yet there is an infinity.
Paid time.

Haiku

Love is a river
into immortallity--
winding on the bend.

Cold and empty shell
No one left to show it love--
Must wait for next light.

Dawn sounds through the air
Darkness falls on Autumns eve--
Crows echo the night.

The ones forgotten--
Guardians of the endless night
Are here still waiting.

So cold to the touch
The hand chills through flesh and bone--
No one left to care.

Snow fall softly down
Pilled high above them all--
Soon bleeds to the ground.

The call is sounded
While in this cold primal night--
The wolf in us all.

Clouds part to the sun
And the glimmering rain breaks--
A rainbow is sought.

Those who came before
Remebered forever more--
Will be sore no more.

Mother Nature's way--
Wrath unchallenged by any
Never Kept at bay.

Wind howls in anger--
Suddenly, the sun comes out
Cold and darkness leave.

True Poetry

I once read that poetry comes from tragedy and pain. That has to be some of the worst bull shit I have ever heard. Poetry comes from the heart. It comes from true unleashed passion. It doesn't matter whether that passion is hate, anger, or sorrow. It doesn't matter if it is the passion of true love. Poetry isn't suppose to depress people it's supposed to open your eyes. You don't see what it meant to the author, you see what it means to you. No one can take that passion from you. They may try over and over to blow out that flickering candle but I will certainly not let them knock me down.

The risk of change

We all take that chance. To stand up and do something. I know that its sometimes hard. That you might be afraid to get hurt. I've been there. But it's I will not sit idle and let these things get the worst of me. I am more then willing to take the risk. Will you not do the same?

I know it feels like too much too soon, but I will leap where others have fallen. I dare not to look back in fear of the demons I might see. If only you would come with.

Truth

This was inspired by a friend.

I lied when I told you I was fine.

I lied when I told you I didn't miss her.

You don't know who I really am because I am afraid to show you.

I tell myself I can when I know I can't.

I used to have friends who weren't friends at all.

I still have that notebook you gave me. And each night I poor my heart and soul into it. It is everything I am and have been.

I do cry. Not because of the pain but because of what should have been.

I once trusted in you. Everything I was isn't me any more. You made me into what I am today. Are you proud of that? I know I'm not. I should have known better. I should have prepared myself. I didn't.

Perfect?

I like this is so right that I am afraid that I might be wrong. That I might be crushed under this the strain I put on myself. That I may lose a friend.

I don't know what to say. It's like something inside of me wanting to breath. Before this feeling I had nothing. Nothing but myself. I hated who I was so I did things I never should have done. I was hollow and alone. It was nobodies fault but my own. I need to let go but I can't. I won't lie to myself anymore. I don't think I'll make it through this but I need to try. The only problem is I feel as if I will battle this alone.

The things that matter

When it comes down to it we all have to chose between something. The question is will I make the right decision? Will I have enough strength to do what is right? Honestly, I have no fucking clue. But thats the point isn't it. If I knew then there wouldn't be any challenge involved. I can only hope.

Will I ever be good enough?

I do the best I can. I sweat blood. I work till my hands blister. I do every thing you ask me. My tears are nothing but pain. I do all this and yet you still can't even say good job or even look me in the eyes. You put me down at every chance you get. It seems like there are two sides to you. The side who jokes with me. Who will some times compliment me. But then you change. You become something I want nothing to do with. You hate. You lie. You just piss me off.

I am tired of bottling all this crap up. I am done rolling over. You can do what you want but I'm done with it. I won't look away any more. You may not be worth it but I promise you this. Next time I will look you right in the eye and tell you what I've been wanting to say for a long time. So you better be ready to listen.

Just let go!

Do you ever find yourself bored out of your mind? I do all the time but there is an answer. Many people go through their lives with out doing anything new. Stop complaining. Stop waiting.
Go out.
Be spontaneous.
Do something stupid.
Start a riot.

Just do something.

Tomorrow

Tomorrow is one of the things that scares me the most. I don't know what will happen and I can't prevent it either. But with the fear comes the hope and joy when something good happens. I do get afraid some times. I fear that tomorrow will bring something I didn't expect. But it's better to move forward then to never go anywhere or do anything. You have to take a chance. Sometimes it'll come back and bite you in the ass, but you'll never know for sure if you don't try. I'm just tired of giving excuses for not accepting tomorrow. I'm tired of being afraid. I'm ready to move on.

~The Dreamer

Where hath my Heroes gone?

In our generation there is no such thing as a hero. We all had one at some point in time. Whether it be your parents and the thought that they are indestructible. Or a friend who was always there for you. But then you find that your parents are indestructible and they won't always be there for you. Then your friends grow more distant they make new friends and you find that you're no longer necessary. You find that your saint was nothing but a demon in disguise. Waiting for the opportune moment to crush you until your anguish is unbearable.

So I ask you, where have the heroes gone?

I can see where mine went, but can you still find yours?

No more

I made a huge mistake the night before last. I had rather bad nightmare that made me remember a few things. I woke around midnight soaked in sweat. I remembered things that I only wanted to forget. I made the mistake of letting it get to me. I got up and did the stupidest thing I could have. I did some things that I absolutely regret. I thought it would help me forget. It didn't. And you know what? I don't want to forget anymore. I'm tired of running away from these thoughts and memories. I'm tired of telling my friends and family that I'm fine when I have so much to say. It's time to take responsibility for myself. I hope that one day I can just be me.

~The Dreamer

Rain Rain go Away...

I don't know what to think. I sit here day in and day out. Looking at nothing at all. Nothing means anything to me any more. Why did I get the short end of the stick? Why do the rain clouds darken my thoughts?

Why does this thing called life end so quickly? Why do we have to deal with all this crap? Some times I just wish I could just skip all of this bull shit. Skip all this pain. Or maybe go back. Say my goodbyes. Stop what I wish I hadn't have done. Is it so wrong of me to wish I had done something different? To wish things were different?

Good night children.

~The Dreamer

Its only a matter of time

Do you sometimes feel that chill? As if some one is watching you. Does it make you wish you led a different life. Take my advice. Listen closely to what is said and change. You may not get a second chance.

He comes with the night
He takes what is owed
None can flee
None can hide
For the reaper will find you

Never good enough?

Why is it that I am never good enough for you?
Why is it that you get to walk over me?
Why do you get to tell me what to do?
Why is it that you need to make me feel worse then you?

I have bled for you.. I have restrained myself for so long. I do something right and you just blow it off.

WHY AM I NOT GOOD ENOUGH?

Tell me what I need to do.. You just sit there all day... Expecting me to be good and do right when you just do the opposite. Tell me what I need to do to make you look me in the eye again. When did I fail? When did you stop loving me? What have I done...?

I'm done trying to prove something to you. If you can't see that I have been trying then there is nothing left for me to prove. I'm tired of not saying anything.. Sneaking into the basement and punching the wall until my knuckles bleed.

No more will I let you walk over me. No more will I make myself crawl while you walk with your head held high. It's time for something new.

Poetry in the Clouds

You always hear about people soaring above the clouds. The problem is no one actually does it. No matter how much they like how their life is, they still can't fly. Many people like to act like they can fly. It makes those who are honest feel worse about themselves.

I watch life fly by my window
I see my reflection staring back at me
But thats all it is, a reflection

I watch as others soar high above the clouds
I look at my own clipped wings
I wonder what tomorrow will bring

I Am the Nightmare

Do you ever wonder if your dreams or nightmares are what you really are? I hope to god thats not true. Most nights are the same. Pain, horror, waking up in a pool of my own sweat. It frightens me to even think back on those nights. But its not like they happen every night. I used to have them near every night. I am curious as to why I have them. Does the person make the dream or does the dream make the person.

I am the beholder of the Nightmare
I wonder why the they chose me
I hear their mocking laughter
I see them coming closer
I want them to go away

I pretend they aren't there
I feel their breath on my neck
I touch their claws reaching for me
I worry they will get loose
I cry as they come closer

I understand I have them for a reason
I say they will fail
I dream they go away
I try to call out
I hope some will answer..
I am the beholder of the Nightmare

I Am the Dreamer

I am the Dreamer who never dreams
I wonder why it comes
I hear unborn baby crying
I see the pain like a reflection
I want nothing more then to be held by her once more
I am the Dreamer who never dreams

I pretend it never happens
I feel the warmth of her heart
I touch her tear stricken face
I worry it will end
I cry when it does
I am the Dreamer who never dreams

I understand that I can't hold onto the cruel dream
I say I don't need the comfort it brings
I dream that one day the dream will come true
I try to forget it
I hope one day I can
I am the Dreamer who never dreams