Brick wall

I've been tired these past few days. And not just physically. A lot of things have been changing in my life. Or more so I have been changing. Just the other day I thought I knew what to do and life would be perfect.. Now I feel like I'm in the dark again. Maybe it's for the best. I guess this is just who I am. I can't control whats happening around me and I feel as if I'm being gipped by who ever is. So I'm just going to focus on that single goal right now. And that goal is simple. Keep busy. Don't think about life or what I want. I have three days till I leave for vacation. I'm going to do nothing for those three days. I'll probably regret this. I feel as if I'm betraying myself by passing up this chance but I don't know any more. I fucked up so badly the first time. I lost control of myself and others paid for what I did.
What ever. I'll get over it. I spose this is just how it's suppose to be.

~~

Turn the corner

I remember when I was vacationing in Louisiana one year, where I will be returning on monday for seven days, back to the story.. I was about seven years old. I was at my grandpas with just my aunt there. I had wanted to go out to get my game boy from the car but it looked like it was about to start raining and I didn't want to get wet. My aunt took me to the door and she knelt down next to me and said, "Jerod, your mother once said to me, 'You only get one chance at something. Sure a second opportunity may come up but it won't ever be the same as that one chance that you skipped. You'll never know what you missed.'

She smiled at me and opened the door. It was pooring rain out. I ran to the car laughing the whole time. Grabbed my bag and walked back to the house enjoying the rain. When I got back I sat down and just looked out the window at the puddles forming on the ground. Thats one of the only memories I remember from that long ago. And you know what? It looks like rain and I can't stop smiling. If there was a chance in a million I'd take it.

~=)~

When you see those eyes...

This morning I looked in the mirror.
I saw everything that I am.
I saw everything I used to be.
I saw everything I wanted.
I saw everything I feared.
But most of all I saw everything I didn't know.

I don't know whats in store for me. What my future hold. Where I'll end up.
But I 'm willing to follow that path. I can only hope it's whats right.
What's meant to be.


~Jerod~

Sick

I've put my body through hell the past two days. I wanted a faster way to get into shape so I thought about how whenever I have an energy drink I don't really want to eat. So monday I bought a four pack of Full throttle. I drank two right away and ended up in the basement going through my usual routines. But then they didn't seem to be doing anything for me. I tarted to push myself harder and harder. I had another full throttle. Then another. I had originally started at 4pm, it was midnight by the time I looked at my phone. I had to work at 9 in the morning tuesday so I thought some sleep was in order. It didn't come. I had a bunch of thoughts running through my head so I took out a sheet of paper and wrote them down. 12:45 I still couldn't sleep so I ended cleaning half my room. At 1:30 I was back in the basement going through the routines. I looked at the clock and saw the clock reading 6 in the morning. I had to be at work in three hours. I finally went up stairs and got two hours of sleep. This whole time I had been dealing with some personal emotions as well.
I had a terrible time at work. I was working one of the cash registers and kept making stupid mistakes and I had to call the assistant manager over at least twelve times. At the end of the day my register was counted out and I came up eight dollars short. Before I left I bought a big full throttle. I got home at 4:30 and went straight to the basement. I had started to realize what I was doing and I needed to stop. I tried txting and calling some friends but they either were working or weren't paying any attention to their phones. At 6:00 I ran to caseys and bought two vaults. I thought the feeling I had was good. This internal drive to never stop pushing myself. It helped me start to stop thinking about other things that made me really sad. But then other stuff started to happen I started to lose focus. I started to think stuff and then actually see it happening. Like I saw a punch of skater kids for no apparent reason and then they came at me and I just completely beat the piss out of them. 8:00, I was starting to get actually scared. I had been dry heaving and my legs would just start to randomly twitch. I felt like vomiting but there wasn't anything in my stomach. Over the past two days I had only at a sandwich and aslice of pizza. I realized my body was crashing. I ompletely spaced off for ten minutes and when I 'woke up' I had been crying. At this point I really needed some one to talk to. I invited alex and ty over to hang out. I didn't tell them about what had been going on but tiwht them there I felt better. That night I crashed. I completely passed out early and got up at 1 in the afternoon today.
Now my body is very sour. I can barely walk with out hurting. I have no plans to do anything like that again. I do intend to keep going through my normal routines. But thats it. I don't need to push myself because the fact of the matter is I'm in no hurry. I probably will be really sore today at work so I should call in and get a replacement but that wouldn't solve anything. ANd besides I don't want to just sit here all day alone to my own thoughts. I feel like being around people. I feel like a lot of things right now, but I'm going to take it one step at a time.

Today isn't yesterday

I woke up smiling. I knew what today was.
I got up early, broke into kyles room to use his computer and smiled for an hour.
Said my goodbye. Went down stairs and worked for two hours. Body sore but feels good.
Showered. Washed away the conspiring smells.
Broke back into kyles room. Was sad.
Went to my grandmas to comfort my grieving cousin.
Came home. Got yelled at by Kyle.
Waited till he left. Broke back in. Was sad.
Now I'm writing this blog. Hello readers.
Waiting to smile.. Please let me smile..
Smiled for a minute. It didn't last.
Probably no smiling left. Oh well. Theres always tomorrow. =D

~jerod~

An explanation

People have been asking for an explanation for a few parts of my life that are a little difficult to explain. The truth is if you ever want to know just ask me in person and you can have the full explanation. But the general answer to all of the questions is that I live for the next adrenaline rush. I crave that feeling where my blood starts to pump and I can focus on that single goal. Thats why I push myself. Thats why I play hard. Thats why I do an hours worth of hard labor in thirty minutes. Thats why I love the feeling of my curled fist connecting to something solid. Most people won't understand what I'm talking about. I know it's a stupid idea but I also know that I would rather do something stupid now then get bored later and end up with a cigarette or drugs in my mouth. It gives me the strength to face the night.

But thats not all there is to it. I also love to just sit there and talk to a friend. Or to write a letter that won't ever be sent out of my own awkwardness. I can focus on that one moment where I can smile and actually feel good. So when you here that rumor that I'm a phsyco S.O.B. just know that I'm having a good time. And if you're worried call me. And we'll laugh about this some other time.


~Jerod~

That time where it all stands still

I sit here right now thinking over what has happened this summer. So many new situations and feelings. I could it here for hours and write about it. But then I think why? Some were bad, some were good, and some were just outrageous. Why do I need to write about it when I've lived it? I love to write. It's probably one of my favorite things to do. But I love to live more. I love to tell my dad I'm going over to a friends house for the night and stay up the whole time just walking around past dark. I love meeting new people and doing something crazy as shit. I love it when something goes wrong because I know its not the end of the world.

This has been with out a doubt one of my favorite summers. I haven't gone three days with out seeing a friend or doing something stupid and crazy. Although I dread the fact I haven't seen some of my friends since school let out. Hopefully that will change soon. I really don't think I'll be blogging anytime soon. I don't even have a working comp but that doesn't seem to bother me most of the time. If you ever want to get in contact with me just call my cell or come out and live.

This summer has been o good to me. I've got a job and a decent pay check. I've been keeping healthy for myself and not some one else. I can actually grow some damn decent facial hair! I've got friends who I can party with. I've got friends I can chill with. I got friends I can get in a fight with. And I've got friends who I can talk to and they'll actually listen. Hell, I've even got a friend who hit me with his car. The only thing that bothers me now is realizing summer is nearing completion.
But then I just think of it as another challenge. Something I can commit to. I plan for this to be the year. Where I can actually feel proud to show my dad my report card. Where I can actually hand in my homework on time. Where I know who my friends are. Who I can trust. I've slacked off and hidden for more then half my life. This is a corner stone I am more then happy to pass and flick the birdie to as I go.

This is as good as it gets and let me tell you I am enjoying every damn second of it. If you're ever feeling down or bored. Give me a call.

~;D~

Just for yyou

You won't answer my calls.
You won't answer my texts.
I'm in a living hell.

This is probably my last chance. I know you still care enough to look here. Just read what I have to say. You ment me in the most troubled part of my life. I dint even expect to meet any one at that writers conference. You were beautiful that day. We talked for hours.
You guessed my problem when most people didnt even know I had one. You helped me through it when I couldnt help myself. You called me every night to make sure I didnt revrt to old habbits. I still don't regret asking you out. We were together for six months. And I don';t regret a second of it. When you told me you were moving away from CLarksville I was sick. It hurt even more when you told me you didn't want to go out any more. I was half way through high school and you called it off. It was hard because I still had feelings for you. Really strong feelings. THe one thing that never left my mind was thst night we spent just looking at the stars. It sounds cheesy but its how I feel. I know that we wanted to kkeep it secrtet but that doesnt reaally matter any more. I feel like a complete asshole for what I said on sunday an monday. I know whay you were upset I was just mad that I had made you upset. I hung up on you when I should have talked t you. Now your doing the same to me. I deserve it. It's been five days since youve even spoken to me. I know there isn't any chance we can get back together. I aaccept that now. All I want is to talk. I still want to be friends. Megan, plesase call me. If you don't I won't have any choice but to skip work and walk to clarksville and stand outside of hyour house until you do. Please.