The apologies end

I just want to say I'm sorry.
I'm sorry for every thing I've done.
I'm sorry when my vision blurs and my voice slurs.

But this is no reprisal for my past sins.
I may have wronged you in some way
But I will not beg and weep.
I'll say it once and thats all you'll get.

I'm sorry for forgetting.
I'm sorry for pretending.
I'm sorry for not asking soon enough.
I'm sorry for the way I look and act.
I'm sorry I have these feelings.
But most of all I'm sorry for how ever I've hurt you.

Thats it, I'm done.
No more apologies.
I won't apologies for who I am.
The horror show must go on.

~Jerod~

Peel it off

It starts as a scratch. Something I didn't really notice at first. But then it grows. It starts to pester and spread. I itch, hoping it will leave me.
No good. Its moving across me now. I've done everything I could to stop it. I know I can't hide from it but I keep lying to myself. The scratch starts to burn and all I can see is that infection. I start to panic, I rip at flesh to remove it. It doesn't work. I know I can't hide from it but I'm scared what will happen if I accept it. But I realize I can't remove my heart, for I have yet to reach that level of emoness.

Why do we smile?

A couple of days ago I was sitting home.. Alone.. Bored out of my mind.. I felt lousy because I had nothing to do and no one to do nothing with.. And worst of all it was raining.

And instead of letting it get to me I got I put on my shows and ran outside with no regard to the rain. I ran to the rail road track near my house and followed them for about an hour until I found the perfect tree. I climbed up and sat. I don't know why but that was the most fun I've had in a long time.

Does this blog have meaning? Yes. Is it something terribly serious? No.

Life is best when it's lived.

~Jerod~

What I've always been.

Now I come to the conclusion of my tale of sorrow. I'm grateful for this chance to lift the burden of these feelings off my shoulders. I'm grateful for you taking those five minutes to read and care. But most of all I'm grateful to those who gave me a chance, those who promised to help. And I swear if they ever need it I will be there.

These next segments are from several days over a week. I wrote these some time during second quarter of eighth grade.

Part 4

I'm still in a state of despair. I am so clueless as to what to do. It almost seems that no one even cares to what my problems are. But why should they? Its my burden to suffer through alone. I just wish some one would try to understand. I can't keep going on. I'm running out of excuses. What am I supposed to do when it seems the entire world is against me.

Three days later
I think I sprained my ankle today. I was coming back from football practice when I tripped and hurt my ankle. I've broken the ankle twice before so its probably sore from that. I have a doctors appointment tomorrow. At most I guess its some time off school.

The day after
Is this some kind of sick dream? could I have been imagining everything thats happened? It just seems so unfair. My doctor tells me that my ankle is nearly done. When I was little I had been playing on a porch swing when a part of it had lifted off the ground and crashed into my ankle. It shattered one of the tiny bones there. I broke it a few years later but since it hasn't given me any trouble. Now my doctors say that my ankle is like a sixty year olds. Its ready to give in. I could have surgery but it could turn out worse. I've dropped football and I've got to walk with a cain for the next month. After that the doctor will tell me if I'll be able to run again.. This doesn't really surprise me.. I'm ready to give up. This was it. I'm done. I can't take any more.

About 4 in the morning.
I can't believe I had ever been so stupid. I had a dream. An honest to god dream. I don't remember any specifics only that I saw a familiar face smiling. And just like that it clicked. Just because all of this shit has happened to me doesn't mean I should give up with out a fight. I owe that much to my mother. I owe that much to myself. I'm confident things are going to change.


Well, there you have it. That was my life at the junior high. I had plenty of reasons to quit. I mean life literally took a shit on me. I took blow after blow and I even thought of things that chill me today. I gave up on myself. I did everything I could to try and get away when i should have just took a step forward and embraced it. I still have nightmares but I know thats all they are. I have so much to look forward to now. I'm out with friends every weekend. I've made a bunch new friends. I've felt things I never expected to feel. I tasted life and now I want as much as I can get. Just as a recap they never did catch my mothers killer. Theres not much I can do about that. But I know some day I will find a way to come to terms on that. I still haven't worked up enough courage to sit down and talk to my dad about huntingtons disease but I know its nearly that time. And I know I can go on after knowing if I have it or not. And as for my ankle, well I went into the doctor a month ago and he said its improved. I've been doing some work with it. My life is probably at its peak. I'm in the best shape ive been in for a long time. I work nearly everyday. The way I see it I got way to much going for me to lose it all. I just can't wait to see whats around the corner.

Thanks for the help.

~Jerod~

What am I?

I've spun a tale of sorrow and stress so forth. And unfortunately the clouds thicken further yet. At this point of my aged journal I was distraught. Forgive the rushed writings.

Part 3

How could some one be so cruel? Why am I pestered so? Have I not had enough! I guess not.. Today I learned a most shocking truth. I learned that I am to die a most terrible death... And I learned this in science class. What the hell is wrong with this story? In science today we were learning about hereditary diseases and such. And you know what just happened to come up in our discussion? Huntington's disease.. So I learned in science class that I may have this curse.. There are three possibilities. Either A- The disease wasn't transfered to me from my mother, B- I have it but im just a carrier: meaning it won't hurt me but my kids may get it, or C- I do have it and that means the disease will start to effect me a little before middle age. At first I will just shake a little then I will have uncontrollable quakes, loss of memory, incomprehensible speaking, and an early death. And with my luck it will be C. What the fuck did I do? I know I have done things that I shouldn't have. But why the hell do I deserve this crap? I can't take it any more.. I think I'm going insane. I don't dream any more.. I hardly sleep.. And when I do its only nightmares. I'm missing so much school..


That small bit was the only piece I wrote in my journal for five weeks. Over those five weeks I stopped talking to my family and friends.. I didn't care about anything or any one. I just gave up. I would go on walks for hours with out letting any one know where I was. I just wanted to be alone. I would constantly have fits of anger or rage. I either ended up splitting my knuckles on a wall or getting in a fight and usually getting my ass handed to me. It was a time I wish I could forget. The purpose of my posting these if not to ask for sympathy or to try and get attention. Im trying to accept what I once was.. What I never want to do again.

This is me

Once again these current blogs are pieces taken from an old journal from one or two years ago. This blog is the second part. This is what made me me. This is my trial.

Part 2

That very thought ripped at my chest. I was horribly confused. And I didn't really have any one to turn to. My dad was locked away in his own problems, my brother and I always fought at the time, and my friends would try to be sympathetic but they couldn't understand. They would say things like that sucks or its not fair and not a single word helped. But it wasn't too bad. I could still handle others things. I kept up with my school as much as possible and I was congratulated by teachers on test scores. I was the top in the reading comprehension of the Iowa Test of Basic Skills. And then it was seventh grade. Those thoughts still circling my head. I joined football and found a decent way to channel my anger. But then another curve ball was thrown straight and true. It was a Friday. My first football game was that next week. When I got home my dad was packing. I knew that something was wrong. He told me and kyle to sit down. Then he told us that our aunt had died of Huntington's Disease. She had inherited it from her mother, who had also died from the disease; she was on my moms side of the family. Of course I felt bad but not as bad as I felt after I saw my grandpa. He was crying.. Now this is the man who I always pictured as the invincible cowboy, and I never really saw him as the man who had to watch his wife and two daughters die. I knew we had been cheated. I got to waverly and once again didn't say a word. Just kept going. But I started noticing changes. my grades dropped. I hardly ever wanted to hang out with friends. At this point I saw the glass half full. Half full of the mistakes and the pain and half full of the facade I put up. There wasn't anything else. Just me and the other me. And for a while after this I thought things were going to get better. It only goes down hill from here.

Who I am

The following is a piece taken from my journal. Now please realize that I wrote this when I was going through a lot. Just bare that in mind while reading.

Part 1

I'm a lot of things. I don't even know who the hell I really am. But this is what I do know. It's late. The witching hour. The others slumber peacefully in the neighboring. Their dreams carry them on to great adventures and wonders. To the ends of bottomless oceans, over the highest peaks, and on to mornings first light. I don't wish to see where my own 'dreams' take me. I've seen terrors and committed atrocities beyond imagination. They are the demons of the night. The teeth and claw in the night. The monsters of the realm within my own mind. They sometimes appear in the day, trying to persuade me to do something horrible, but they prefer the shadows.
I think it was in the sixth grade that my 'innocence' was eroded. I started to learn things. I don't mean school, I mean reality. My eyes were opened and I saw the pain there, ready to reap. It started with a phone call. My father seemed upset while on the phone. I heard enough to know it was bad. I remember hearing a name: Larry Woods. I would never forget that name.
I would later learn that he had been the man that had killed my mother when I was one year old. He had escaped from jail.. Now that hit me hard. I didn't know why that the man who killed my mother, that took my very future away from me would be allowed to walk free.. That would be the first of the difficulties I would go through over the next two years.

~Jerod~

What if?

What if I'm wrong?
What if I'm right and I don't don't try?
What then?
What if I try but it doesn't work out?
What am I to do?

I'm really confused. I don't know what to do or say but I can't help what I feel. If this is wrong then why does it feel right? God, why can't everything just be more simple. I need help... But I can't ask. That would be far to simple.

~Jerod~