Heads about to explode.

Today I smiled. Not just a lame excuse smile but a smile I felt was actually real. I had a blast at the Masquers banquet and had even more fun playing frisbee in the park after. I watched my boat go over the damn and even jumped into the river after the frisbee. I felt happy even after I lost my wallet. I saw friends that I really cared about and best of all I felt as if they were having a good time as well. Lately it seems as if people around me are only acting like they get along so they can just go on with the day. It felt good to be apart with these people.

The only down to my day was I had to watch a friend go through something I didn't understand. The person seemed really broken up about something and I really wanted to take hold of them and tell them it was going to be fine. That no matter what happens they still had me and a bunch of other people willing to help. The problem is I couldn't. I never had some one intervene in my life. I always faced everything alone. I got really good at telling myself what to do in my head but the words seem to get lost between there and my mouth. It hurt really bad to just sit there and not be able to do anything. I don't even know if I did the right thing.. I do believe the person is doing a lot better. I mean we all have are moments of weakness. Another reason why I was scared. I've felt like digging a hole and never coming out more then once.


~Jerod~
~I Promise to fake a smile just to see you smile.~

Just for you

I can't smile unless the world sings.
And the world won't sing unless I'm smiling.
So, I'll smile just for the world to sing. No matter how bad it is, I swear I'll smile for it.

I'm done with the whole depressive scene. I wasted too many years with it. Its time to smile and let them know I'm smiling. And I know that some times you might not feel like singing. But I'll still smile for you. Just tell me and my smile will shine through.

~jerod~

A Fixation of the Mind

A tiny little speck of pain multiplied by twenty thousand.

Did you ever intend me to fall so hard? I cant even think straight. My head feals like some one took a basball bat toit. My eyes clloud. At times I cont even see straight. Some times im willing to take any way out.
Take half a bottle of pain pills.
Punch a wall till my knuckles split and bleed.
Break into the old mans liqur cabinet.
Break some thing that I value.
Do some thing I know I will and have regretted.
Will tonight be like those others. Have I fiald yet again? Did you ever inted me to hurt so bad? I always see thees peple cheering each other up. Bt not me, im not allowed. Some tims I wish it were a simpler life but no. Its gota be a damned hard knok life after all.

Thoughts from a friend who is learning to care

I've been through things that turned my heart black. All I felt was hate, fear, and regret. I did things that I'll never forget. But I also have to wonder, what would I be like now if I hadn't gone through those things? Would I even be me?

When it comes down to it we're all worried that what we're doing is the wrong thing. We feel as if we should just go on. Try to keep things from falling apart. But that doesn't always work.

When my life started to turn to pieces I felt as if I had to hold onto what ever I could. I didn't realize the best thing for me was to let go.

Some times It's hard. Others may think you're just quiting or giving in. They might think one thing is best for you and you might even start to think that way to. But the only sound advise we can ever get is from our heart. No one knows you like you know yourself. Just go with what you feel.

But now I'm preaching. And I don't even know if this advice will work. It helped me and all I can do is guide. Your friends will always be there to help you up but you have to walk for yourself.

I'm still learning to walk. I've got along ways to go before I will be ready but I know I'm in a better place then I've ever been before. I have more friends that would help me now then ever before.

In the end we just have to think of who we actually are. Don't worry about where your path may end, because I promise no matter how far you fall you'll have friends waiting for you.



~~~~~~~~
When your stuck along the side of the road with a flat, just give me a jingle.

~Jerod~

Is it so criminal?

I sat here for many an hour
Thinking of something witty and clever to say
The thoughts put my mood in such a sour
I stopped looked at what I had already done that day
And deleted it all.

Because the fact of the matter is I know it seems really pretty to fancy my words up but in the end they hold all the same meaning.

So here it is, what I had promised to say...
But now I can't. My words are too plain!
They can be read and their meaning understood.
My words are naked with no rhythm or rhyme

OH NOES!!

~~~~~~~
I am a comic by nature
I am a poet by heart
But I am wicked by soul.

Today is a wonderful day

I did a few crazy things this weekend. I did a few things that ended up hurting really bad. I've done these kinds of things in the past. Some one once said that I did it all for attention but I've always been doing things like that. Jumping off tall buildings, riding my bike into a wall, punching myself in the face, having a mini rodeo on the merry-go-round, and several other things lacking intelligent thought.

So as I was saying, I did something that would probably be a seven on the stupid scale. I couldn't exactly breathe that well after. A little while later I was sitting outside the 4H building and a friend came up to me and asked a question I hadn't thought of before. Here's the little conversation that ensued.

Other person- Jerod, if you're so intelligent, good at writing, and super hot (Ok, maybe they hadn't said the hot part(but I know they were thinking it)) why do you do such stupid things?

My answer was simple enough. It was what I really felt. If I second guessed about what I was doing I would never do the things I do. But my philosophy on the matter is this, I wouldn't have nearly as much fun as I do if I just stayed safe at home. When it comes down to it life is best when its lived to its fullest potential.