YES I'M INSANE!!

The few times I've ever had something to look forward to have always been a lie or just a silly hope. I keep going day by day acting the same. Like it's alright. I'm sick of it. Its like some damn infection spreading from one diseased filled limb to another. I'm done with this life. Theres been a whole shit ton going on with me and I'm ready to just blow it all away. I'm not gonna hope and pray anymore. I'm going to go out there and take what ever the hell I damn please. I'm not leaving my life in the hands of my father, the people around me, fate, or even god himself. Does it sound like I'm going insane? It should because thats the way I want it. I don't want to understand anymre. I'm going to make myself better by breaking down. Sounds stupid doesn't it? I've heard the rumors and the whispers. People taking about me. Like their worried about me. If their so worried then come to me. Don't just gossip about. And as for the people who I've heard taking trash about me? I've got the same recommendation to you. Come to me. Face to face.

I love it! Every second of it! Is it worth the money? No. Is it worth the respect? No.. Maybe a little.. Is it worth the people coming up to me and asking if they can fight? Only after their knocked out. I'll tell you whats its worth. THose few moments where there is only me and my enemy. It doesn't matter whether I lose or win. All that matters is that feeling of invincibility. Of immortality. I don't matter any where else. School? Yeah right. My family? When was the last time one of us said 'I love you' and meant it? But when I'm in the ring and the crowed yells out for Jerod the Two Ton Hitter.. I can't even explain it. When I throw that punch I am alive. I am somebody..

Sounds sick and twisted right? It is. But god help me I love it. I guess the only reason I'm writing this is to come to terms with myself. Well, heres to me.

Cheers!
X*XJerodX*X

Dear Purple Toes,

My purple foot has been in the air for 6 hours. I've gone through 357 songs. I've been curling weights for the past 3 hours. All I've had time to do is think about things.
I've thought hard and long. I've mad my decision. I won't seek any more forgiveness. From now on out I'm a fighter. I know I'll lose a lot of chances but I can't keep doing this. I can't keep waiting. I can't keep caring. I won't apologize. I need this. I need to go on. This is what I am..

I try to make it through my life
In my way
There is you
I try to make it through these lies
That’s all I do

Just don't deny it
Just don't deny it
And deal with it
Yeah deal with it

If you were dead or still alive,
I don't care,
I don't care,
And all the things you left behind,
I don't care,
I don't care

I try to make you see my side
Always trying to stay in line
But you’re all I see right through
That’s all they do
Im getting tired of this shit
I got no room when inside this
But if you wanted me just deal with it

So...

If you were dead or still alive,
I don't care,
I don't care,
And all the things you left behind,
I don't care,
I don't care



I can't say I'll forget this but I'll try not to miss it.
Good night and good bye.

Sincerely,
Jerod L. Botts

Empty Walls

I am at the point where I couldn't even guess what tomorrow is going to be like. So many things are changing and I don't know if I can keep up. At this point there is more then one option. I'm tired of living a double life. I'm trying to be too many things at once. But if I go one way I lose hope for what could have been. Do I go left or do I go right. What if I could make something out of myself? What if it cost me that last shred of decency I have. I wish I could just be me. I wish I knew who I was.
I want to tell you I'm sorry.
I want to tell you I don't regret who I am.
I want to tell you I'm not who you think I am.
I want to tell you that I just need a chance.
I want to believe what I'm doing is right.
I want to know if this is what I am.
I want to know if theres a chance.
I want to know if I have to move on.

I'm just selfish I guess..
What if a choice I made changed everything?
Would it matter?

Jerod.