This feeling!

GOD! I haven't felt this good, this happy, this content, this strong since I was in my last relationship. But I know this time this won't make me worse. I ran over three miles today. Got home. Listened to my dad complain about my new habits. I smiled and went to my room. I know a lot of people don't approve of what I'm doing with my life but I don't care any more. My dad calls t head banging for retards. I call it my redemption. This is my time to make something out of myself. Every day I look in the mirror I used to think nothing but negative thoughts. Now its what do I improve today? How do I make this better?

Every day I learn something new. Everyday I make something better. Its not just left jab, right hook anymore. Its left, right, left, side knee, then big elbow. Every morning I wake I jog. Every afternoon I do ground ju-jitsu or stand up striking. Every night I do weight lifting. I of course have to work around my schedule at work but all this goes out the window when school starts. I'm gonna do very intense training for these two weeks. I'm scheduled to fight at a tournament on the 10th. 25 to 40 fighters in one night. I'll have at least three fights in that one night. But this is my last underground fight. I'm done after that until I can go semi-pro. I'm only doing this last one because I need the money. I can pay off a big piece of my debt and get on with my life. I didn't really mean for my entire school to know that I do these underground fights. But its high school. Hard to keep secrets.

Well thats my rant for the day! I can only say live life! Light it up and let the fire roar! Let it live! Dont hesitate! LIVE! RIOT! LOVE! REVOLT! BE UNDEAD!
lol

Jerod ;p

It's not hiding if I'm truly happy.

HELLO EVERY ONE WHO DOESN'T READ MY BLOG!


Well, I thought I'd check in. Give yah the info. So here it is. I'm relatively good where I'm at. I'm not doing terrible in school, sure theres room for improvement but no big deal. My home life is relatively the same I'm just dealing with it a little better. As for my social life.. yah. I hardly ever go out any more. My friends are all turning against each other and themselves. I should help but how can I do that when they won't listen and only try to self destruct. I do feel some what responsible since this all started happening alittle after my last breakdown, which was a long while ago. Speaking of which I'm doing great mentally, emotionally, and even psychically. I've found a way for myself to focus. Fighting. Its hard to understand. Even for me. I just feel totally relaxed when I'm pushing myself. Sure I originally did it cause I was angry or something like that but now its different. I don't think I'm gonna be doing these underground fights for much longer. Theirs a tournament coming up that will give me enough money to pay back my dad for all the money I owe him. I just have to weight a year before I can go semi-pro. Right now I'm not sure about my future, college, moving out, being an adult. I don't know whats gonna happen and yes that stuff scares the crap out of me but I don't care. Right now all I'm worried about is the now. Could things be better? Yes. But I'm content. And that makes me happy. And last time I checked being happy is a good thing. Even if its an ignorant happy.


What's this? What's this?
There's color everywhere
What's this?
There's white things in the air
What's this?
I can't believe my eyes
I must be dreaming
Wake up, jack, this isn't fair
What's this?

What's this? What's this?
There's something very wrong
What's this?
There are people singing songs

What's this?
The streets are lined with
Little creatures laughing
Everybody seems so happy
Have I possibly gone daffy?
What is this?
What's this?

There are children throwing snowballs here
instead of throwing heads
They're busy building toys
And absolutely no one's dead

There's frost on every window
Oh, I can't believe my eyes
And in my bones I feel the warmth
That's coming from inside

Oh, look
What's this?
They're hanging mistletoe, they kiss
Why that looks so unique, inspired
They're gathering around to hear a story
Roasting chestnuts on a fire
What's this?
What's this?

In here they've got a little tree, how queer
And who would ever think
And why?

They're covering it with tiny little things
They've got electric lights on strings
And there's a smile on everyone
So, now, correct me if I'm wrong
This looks like fun
This looks like fun
Oh, could it be I got my wish?
What's this?

Oh my, what now?
The children are asleep
But look, there's nothing underneath
No ghouls, no witches here to scream and scare them
Or ensnare them, only little cozy things
Secure inside their dreamland
What's this?

The monsters are all missing
And the nightmares can't be found
And in their place there seems to be
Good feeling all around

Instead of screams, I swear
I can hear music in the air
The smell of cakes and pies
Is absolutely everywhere

The sights, the sounds
They're everywhere and all around
I've never felt so good before
This empty place inside of me is filling up
I simply cannot get enough

I want it, oh, I want it
Oh, I want it for my own
I've got to know
I've got to know
What is this place that I have found?
What is this?
Christmas Town, hmm...
~!JEROD!~

YES I'M INSANE!!

The few times I've ever had something to look forward to have always been a lie or just a silly hope. I keep going day by day acting the same. Like it's alright. I'm sick of it. Its like some damn infection spreading from one diseased filled limb to another. I'm done with this life. Theres been a whole shit ton going on with me and I'm ready to just blow it all away. I'm not gonna hope and pray anymore. I'm going to go out there and take what ever the hell I damn please. I'm not leaving my life in the hands of my father, the people around me, fate, or even god himself. Does it sound like I'm going insane? It should because thats the way I want it. I don't want to understand anymre. I'm going to make myself better by breaking down. Sounds stupid doesn't it? I've heard the rumors and the whispers. People taking about me. Like their worried about me. If their so worried then come to me. Don't just gossip about. And as for the people who I've heard taking trash about me? I've got the same recommendation to you. Come to me. Face to face.

I love it! Every second of it! Is it worth the money? No. Is it worth the respect? No.. Maybe a little.. Is it worth the people coming up to me and asking if they can fight? Only after their knocked out. I'll tell you whats its worth. THose few moments where there is only me and my enemy. It doesn't matter whether I lose or win. All that matters is that feeling of invincibility. Of immortality. I don't matter any where else. School? Yeah right. My family? When was the last time one of us said 'I love you' and meant it? But when I'm in the ring and the crowed yells out for Jerod the Two Ton Hitter.. I can't even explain it. When I throw that punch I am alive. I am somebody..

Sounds sick and twisted right? It is. But god help me I love it. I guess the only reason I'm writing this is to come to terms with myself. Well, heres to me.

Cheers!
X*XJerodX*X

Dear Purple Toes,

My purple foot has been in the air for 6 hours. I've gone through 357 songs. I've been curling weights for the past 3 hours. All I've had time to do is think about things.
I've thought hard and long. I've mad my decision. I won't seek any more forgiveness. From now on out I'm a fighter. I know I'll lose a lot of chances but I can't keep doing this. I can't keep waiting. I can't keep caring. I won't apologize. I need this. I need to go on. This is what I am..

I try to make it through my life
In my way
There is you
I try to make it through these lies
That’s all I do

Just don't deny it
Just don't deny it
And deal with it
Yeah deal with it

If you were dead or still alive,
I don't care,
I don't care,
And all the things you left behind,
I don't care,
I don't care

I try to make you see my side
Always trying to stay in line
But you’re all I see right through
That’s all they do
Im getting tired of this shit
I got no room when inside this
But if you wanted me just deal with it

So...

If you were dead or still alive,
I don't care,
I don't care,
And all the things you left behind,
I don't care,
I don't care



I can't say I'll forget this but I'll try not to miss it.
Good night and good bye.

Sincerely,
Jerod L. Botts

Empty Walls

I am at the point where I couldn't even guess what tomorrow is going to be like. So many things are changing and I don't know if I can keep up. At this point there is more then one option. I'm tired of living a double life. I'm trying to be too many things at once. But if I go one way I lose hope for what could have been. Do I go left or do I go right. What if I could make something out of myself? What if it cost me that last shred of decency I have. I wish I could just be me. I wish I knew who I was.
I want to tell you I'm sorry.
I want to tell you I don't regret who I am.
I want to tell you I'm not who you think I am.
I want to tell you that I just need a chance.
I want to believe what I'm doing is right.
I want to know if this is what I am.
I want to know if theres a chance.
I want to know if I have to move on.

I'm just selfish I guess..
What if a choice I made changed everything?
Would it matter?

Jerod.

Life

Like a party?

Count me in.

Indifference?

My weekend was alright. I enjoyed seeing and talking to some friends at the game and dance that I hadn't for awhile. Or at least it felt like I hadn't talked to them for a while. I could have gone with out doing a few things this weekend but over all it went alright.

I'm already tired of school. I do enjoy seeing my friends and sometimes putting my mind to a task at school but then I run into people I have problems with or just plain dislike. Plus I'm starting to fall behind in school again. Most of my week days are occupied by work. So I don't have much time for homework. And I can't afford to quit work.

Things around my house are finally starting to stabilize my dad is being more easy going. My brother and I are on better terms then we have been in a long time. I still am thinking about moving out the summer between my junior and senior year. I'll probably take in another job or two during this summer and save up. At this point I don't really know. But it doesn't bother me that much. Sure I wish things were easier and then I could concentrate some other parts of my life but it could be a lot worse. Oh well.

Till next time.

~Jerod~