A puzzle

I'm watching the pieces fall together. Everyday things change. I'm ready for it.
My current situation:
I've been invited to compete for a contract to fight at the main event center in waterloo.
I have a court date set for wednesday due to my 'trespassing'. On an abandoned farm left to fall apart.. If we do get charged and I go probation I know its gonna suck. I won't be able to work so I could lose my job. There goes my phone and car. I'll find a way to deal with that when it happens so now I'm just not gonna worry bout it.
I'm still working on some social aspects of my life. I'm getting along with people a lot more. I don't argue or hold grudges like I used to. I don't really hate my school as much. Just around half the people in it ;p As for a girlfriend? Meh, I'm in no hurry. What ever happens happens. As for the party life? I don't think that will be coming back for a while.
My home life is improved a lot. My dad is showing more respect for me and doesnt give me as much crap about my current life style. We don't argue much at all. My bro is still a douche... But hes still my bro.
As for the future? Idk. What it looks like now is that I'll end up going to Hawkeye for college and getting some kind of degree in literature and continue with training. I wanted to go to Iowa but money is tight. See where that leads me. These are the things that i've wanted to do or thought about. Pursuing a carreer in MMA whether its fighting or somethign to deal with the sport, opening a bar and retiring, I do one day want to start a family but I think thats a bit of a ways away. And if all else fails I'll just join the army or move down south. Until then I'll just be here for the sake of finding out where I end up.

Thanks for reading
Sincerely,
Me.

Easy?

The other day I was thinking how good things have been for me lately. How much easier my life is. Then it struck me that I was wrong. My life isn't any easier then it was a couple months ago. I'm just better at handling it now. I enjoy everything a lot more. I don't know if its because of my training sessions or something else. I know for a fact that its taught me to use patience. I don't have to push to get something. I can just wait. I can do with out and if that opening does show itself then I'll strike. The funniest thing is its really not that hard to be happy. Its actually nice.

Yah. I'm scared.

Where do I start? School works piling up. My hours at work are being cut. I'm losing money. I'm going more into debt. My family is further apart then its ever been before. I'm afraid that I'm losing my closest friends. I feel more at home in the gym then any where else right now. But I'm scared shitless when I go here. I have no problem putting forth the effort but recently things are changing. When I put those gloves on all I'm thinking about is winning but then when I take a hit or I see one comng my mind wonders. And all I can think about is the people close to me. Why can't I just say this? I get scared more then ever. But then I use it. I take my hits and push harder. Maybe I'll be able to work up the nerve to do something about this some day.

In other words I'm just trying to find some motivation.
~Jerod~

This is it

Two days left. Thats the only thing that I'm trying to think about right now. It is literally like a needle in a hay stack. So many things to deal with. Work, school, my dad not even acknowledging my own birthday, feelings that seem really confusing, my future, dream, hopes, trials... All of that matters so much to me. But I can't let it get to me. Absolute focus and determination. This is it. My last night fighting for a long time. I need this. I want this. I'm not going to give it my best. I'm going to be the best. Thats all I need to worry about now. Keep my hands up and my feet moving. Thats all there is.

This feeling!

GOD! I haven't felt this good, this happy, this content, this strong since I was in my last relationship. But I know this time this won't make me worse. I ran over three miles today. Got home. Listened to my dad complain about my new habits. I smiled and went to my room. I know a lot of people don't approve of what I'm doing with my life but I don't care any more. My dad calls t head banging for retards. I call it my redemption. This is my time to make something out of myself. Every day I look in the mirror I used to think nothing but negative thoughts. Now its what do I improve today? How do I make this better?

Every day I learn something new. Everyday I make something better. Its not just left jab, right hook anymore. Its left, right, left, side knee, then big elbow. Every morning I wake I jog. Every afternoon I do ground ju-jitsu or stand up striking. Every night I do weight lifting. I of course have to work around my schedule at work but all this goes out the window when school starts. I'm gonna do very intense training for these two weeks. I'm scheduled to fight at a tournament on the 10th. 25 to 40 fighters in one night. I'll have at least three fights in that one night. But this is my last underground fight. I'm done after that until I can go semi-pro. I'm only doing this last one because I need the money. I can pay off a big piece of my debt and get on with my life. I didn't really mean for my entire school to know that I do these underground fights. But its high school. Hard to keep secrets.

Well thats my rant for the day! I can only say live life! Light it up and let the fire roar! Let it live! Dont hesitate! LIVE! RIOT! LOVE! REVOLT! BE UNDEAD!
lol

Jerod ;p

It's not hiding if I'm truly happy.

HELLO EVERY ONE WHO DOESN'T READ MY BLOG!


Well, I thought I'd check in. Give yah the info. So here it is. I'm relatively good where I'm at. I'm not doing terrible in school, sure theres room for improvement but no big deal. My home life is relatively the same I'm just dealing with it a little better. As for my social life.. yah. I hardly ever go out any more. My friends are all turning against each other and themselves. I should help but how can I do that when they won't listen and only try to self destruct. I do feel some what responsible since this all started happening alittle after my last breakdown, which was a long while ago. Speaking of which I'm doing great mentally, emotionally, and even psychically. I've found a way for myself to focus. Fighting. Its hard to understand. Even for me. I just feel totally relaxed when I'm pushing myself. Sure I originally did it cause I was angry or something like that but now its different. I don't think I'm gonna be doing these underground fights for much longer. Theirs a tournament coming up that will give me enough money to pay back my dad for all the money I owe him. I just have to weight a year before I can go semi-pro. Right now I'm not sure about my future, college, moving out, being an adult. I don't know whats gonna happen and yes that stuff scares the crap out of me but I don't care. Right now all I'm worried about is the now. Could things be better? Yes. But I'm content. And that makes me happy. And last time I checked being happy is a good thing. Even if its an ignorant happy.


What's this? What's this?
There's color everywhere
What's this?
There's white things in the air
What's this?
I can't believe my eyes
I must be dreaming
Wake up, jack, this isn't fair
What's this?

What's this? What's this?
There's something very wrong
What's this?
There are people singing songs

What's this?
The streets are lined with
Little creatures laughing
Everybody seems so happy
Have I possibly gone daffy?
What is this?
What's this?

There are children throwing snowballs here
instead of throwing heads
They're busy building toys
And absolutely no one's dead

There's frost on every window
Oh, I can't believe my eyes
And in my bones I feel the warmth
That's coming from inside

Oh, look
What's this?
They're hanging mistletoe, they kiss
Why that looks so unique, inspired
They're gathering around to hear a story
Roasting chestnuts on a fire
What's this?
What's this?

In here they've got a little tree, how queer
And who would ever think
And why?

They're covering it with tiny little things
They've got electric lights on strings
And there's a smile on everyone
So, now, correct me if I'm wrong
This looks like fun
This looks like fun
Oh, could it be I got my wish?
What's this?

Oh my, what now?
The children are asleep
But look, there's nothing underneath
No ghouls, no witches here to scream and scare them
Or ensnare them, only little cozy things
Secure inside their dreamland
What's this?

The monsters are all missing
And the nightmares can't be found
And in their place there seems to be
Good feeling all around

Instead of screams, I swear
I can hear music in the air
The smell of cakes and pies
Is absolutely everywhere

The sights, the sounds
They're everywhere and all around
I've never felt so good before
This empty place inside of me is filling up
I simply cannot get enough

I want it, oh, I want it
Oh, I want it for my own
I've got to know
I've got to know
What is this place that I have found?
What is this?
Christmas Town, hmm...
~!JEROD!~

YES I'M INSANE!!

The few times I've ever had something to look forward to have always been a lie or just a silly hope. I keep going day by day acting the same. Like it's alright. I'm sick of it. Its like some damn infection spreading from one diseased filled limb to another. I'm done with this life. Theres been a whole shit ton going on with me and I'm ready to just blow it all away. I'm not gonna hope and pray anymore. I'm going to go out there and take what ever the hell I damn please. I'm not leaving my life in the hands of my father, the people around me, fate, or even god himself. Does it sound like I'm going insane? It should because thats the way I want it. I don't want to understand anymre. I'm going to make myself better by breaking down. Sounds stupid doesn't it? I've heard the rumors and the whispers. People taking about me. Like their worried about me. If their so worried then come to me. Don't just gossip about. And as for the people who I've heard taking trash about me? I've got the same recommendation to you. Come to me. Face to face.

I love it! Every second of it! Is it worth the money? No. Is it worth the respect? No.. Maybe a little.. Is it worth the people coming up to me and asking if they can fight? Only after their knocked out. I'll tell you whats its worth. THose few moments where there is only me and my enemy. It doesn't matter whether I lose or win. All that matters is that feeling of invincibility. Of immortality. I don't matter any where else. School? Yeah right. My family? When was the last time one of us said 'I love you' and meant it? But when I'm in the ring and the crowed yells out for Jerod the Two Ton Hitter.. I can't even explain it. When I throw that punch I am alive. I am somebody..

Sounds sick and twisted right? It is. But god help me I love it. I guess the only reason I'm writing this is to come to terms with myself. Well, heres to me.

Cheers!
X*XJerodX*X